


Vivid Proof

by StormyBear30



Category: Actor RPF, American Actor RPF, Irish Actor RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-10
Updated: 2012-01-10
Packaged: 2017-10-29 07:36:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 33,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/317361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StormyBear30/pseuds/StormyBear30





	Vivid Proof

I can admit it now, that back then I used every excuse in the book to stay away from the man that I loved. Don't get me wrong since I was arse over elbow in love with the guy, but even after five years of being together I still had a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that the one person that was put on this earth for only me was a bloody man. Harder still is the fact that he nearly lost his life because of it as well and our lives were never the same again.

I met Jared for the first time on set of the movie "Phone Booth". He was a nice enough bloke, but the truth was that we pretty much wrapped our scenes together up in a total of a few days and then he was gone and sadly I never thought of him again. It wasn't until several years later that our paths crossed again and my life changed drastically. I honestly did not remember him the first time that we sat down for our first reading for the characters of Alexander and Hephaistion in the new movie Alexander. He reminded me quite quickly and with a few choice words to boot and I knew right then and there that he and I were going to be fast friends from then on. Our relationship started out as just that, friends, but then one night in a drunken stupor we crossed a line that changed everything between us forever. I can't say without it being a lie, but it wasn't the first time that I had crossed that line, and I quickly found that it was one that he wasn't afraid to cross as well. The problem was that Jared chose to stay on that side of the line more then I was comfortable with because he was completely comfortable with his sexuality and I was basically a closeted coward. Yes, I was completely the opposite in that somehow in my demented mind I had convinced myself that it was ok to stray over once in a while, get my kicks and then run kicking and screaming back to the straight side. That was just the beginning of our problems.

We were lovers the entire shoot for Alexander and it was bloody amazing. Jared was open about sex and was willing to try about anything once and me, well I just plain loved sex. Never in my entire life had I experimented so much with sex and it was brilliant. I realized quite quickly that I was falling in love with the blue eyed man, but I kept that bit to myself for as long as I felt was possible once again out of fear and cowardice. No one on set knew of our secret and I made sure to keep it that way as I took every opportunity to throw myself at my other female co-star whenever an audience was present. Jared said that my flaunting myself at Angelina didn't bother him, but I knew by looking into those soulful eyes of his that he was not telling me the truth. The fact was that I knew it was hurting him and yet out of fear that someone might have found out about the two of us, I didn't stop my actions. When the rumors that Angelina and I were fucking like jack rabbits hit the tabloids, I did the only thing that I could think of at the time, I fed into it. I gave them all sorts of reasons to think that we were shagging, when in fact it had only happened one time and that had been alcohol induced as was the first time between Jared and I.

After we wrapped up Alexander Jared and I decided to end our relationship out of fear of our careers we said, but it was much more then that, at least on my part. I fucked everything that walked man and women after that, but it was just fucking and nothing more since I was still hung up on the sexiest creature on the planet known as Jared Leto. I was miserable and hating life and then everything became clear again with one simple phone call from Oliver Stone. He needed Jared and I back to do a few pick ups and thankfully we were able to do it in his studio in L.A. I was thrilled beyond belief to see Jared again as I literally rushed to the studio that first morning eager to see the man that I was still in love it. However, my eagerness died the moment that he entered the large room, a beautiful blonde upon his arm. They were giggling, laughing and kissing so much between takes that I was ready to strangle the both of them by the end of the day. Once Oliver told us we could go for the evening I was out of there without even a word to anyone. I rushed back to my hotel intending to drink myself stupid until all thoughts and idea of Jared were flushed from my mind, he however had other ideas as he showed up at my door not quite an hour later.

"What the fuck is your problem?" He screamed at me the moment that I opened the door, forcing his way inside my room without invitation. "I haven't seen you in almost a year and you maybe spoke two words to me all day" His loudness continued as he turned to face me, hands on hips as he waited for me to reply.

I wanted to throw him on the floor and have my way with him, but I opted to give him what he wanted as my Irish temper began to get the best of me. "It was pretty fucking hard to talk to you since you had your tongue down that bints throat most of the time between scenes" I knew I sounded like a wounded puppy, but that's how I was feeling and so I went with it.

"So that it then…you were jealous?" He asked straight out, getting my hackles up once the words entered my ears.

"Fuck no I wasn't jealous" I defended myself, my anger spiking when all he could do was laugh at my reply. "Fuck off…" I ground out, opening the door as I prepared to toss him out on his ass, but instead I ended up on mine as me caught me off guard and knocked me to the floor with the brunt of his body. "Get off of me you bloody tosser" I cried out as I made a half hearted attempt to wretch myself from under his body, a very very half hearted attempt. I wasn't able to speak another word after that as he covered my mouth hungrily with his mouth and all thought of kicking him out or any thoughts vanished in a second. I turned the tables on him almost immediately as I flipped him onto his back and quickly took charge. I can't even begin to tell you how amazing it was to feel his body pressed against mine once again and how it became even better once our clothes had disappeared. We kissed like horny teenagers for what felt like forever before we took it to the next level, and once we did I was fucking that beautiful ass for all it was worth. Afterwards as we continued to lay on the floor all sweaty and breathless we began to talk and once again my life took another drastic turn.

"God, I missed this" I heard him pant against my ear as he lay snuggled tightly beside me. "Missed you"

I can't even explain it, but it was as if my heart swelled three sizes in that very moment because I could hear how much he truly meant those words. "Missed you as well" I mumbled, drawing in a deep breath as I took in the scent that was only Jared and one that I had remembered and longed for more then I realized since our last encounter together. I felt content for the first time in a long time and yet more nervous as well as Jared shifted forward until he was leaning over me with a glint of mischief staring back at me.

"Then just tell me you love me and we can move on with our lives together" He said point blank as the breath I was holding expelled from my lungs and that heart that had swelled three sizes nearly exploded. It was a typical Jared thing to do and despite the fact that I did truly love him, for once I was at a loss for words as I stammered and stumbled over something that just would not come. "Colin…" He smiled down at me, clamping my trembling lips together between his fingers. "It's not really that hard to say and it should be made easier by the fact that I already know that you do love me" His smile widened until all I could see were glistening white teeth and piercing blue eyes gorging into my very soul.

"What makes you so sure?" I questioned in return, jerking my face away from his hand because I intended to fight to the death before I uttered words I had never uttered before to anyone really.

"I am sure because I could read it the moment that you laid eyes upon me and my little friend this morning" He returned smugly that same smile looking down at me. "I see it in your eyes now as I look at you" I turned my head away because I hated the fact that he could read such truths within my eyes, but he only guided my head back with his hand upon my chin. "You love me" He beamed, kissing me playfully on the lips. "Plus…you've said it to me before" He went on, laughing at the look of shocked denial that was about to spring from my lips. "Ok…maybe you were sleeping…but you said it just the same" I didn't know what to say after that as I swallowed hard, taking a deep breath to calm my already raging nerves.

"What about the bird?" I asked instead, trying to buy some time before I had to speak those words, but dying to know who she was and why the fuck she had been all over Jared all day.

"Bird…" He looked confused as he repeated the word. "What bird?"

"The women…the one that was exploring the inside of your mouth with her tongue every chance that she got today" I bit out, cursing myself for giving him more fire to burn me with.

"Oh…you mean Alicia?" He asked, playing dumb really well and pissing me off in the process. "Well…I don't think that you have anything to worry about since her bull dyke of a girl friend keeps her on a pretty tight chain" He giggled at the look of shocked surprise that I shot his way. "Alicia is just an actor friend of mine" He began to fill in the gaps as I slid away from him and went in search of my discarded pajama bottoms and my ever present packet of fags.

"You're not making any fucking sense" I growled, inhaling the heavy mist as I held it within my lungs for as long as I could before exhaling. I watched as he pulled his own jeans on before walking across the room and sitting upon the bed beside me.

"Do you want the truth?" He asked as he stared over at me.

"Well I don't want anymore fucking games" I cried out in irritation.

I watched as he took a deep breath before speaking, once again looking at me before he began. "I was afraid that you were going to be bringing one of your ladies of the moment with you" He spoke, not making sense at the beginning, but then making all the sense in the world. "I brought Alicia with me just in case you had brought someone with you" I could hear the frustration in his voice as he got up off of the bed and walked over towards the window, looking out over the glittering city. "I was worried that I would walk in and you would be with some beautiful women and I would be the one so jealous and hurt that I couldn't see straight. But then you were alone and for some reason when I should have been relived and sent Alicia packing, I found myself more unnerved and started acting like the happy, horny couple just to make you jealous. You can't believe how sorry I am about that" I watched as his shoulders slumped in defeat as he continued to stare out the window and where I could have taken the piss with him, I opted to be the bigger man and ease his worry and his upset.

"I love you…stupid son of a bitch that you are" I spoke loudly as I stubbed out my cigarette before walking over to him and snatching him into my arms. "Bloody good plan though because it worked like a fucking charm" I teased seriously before snogging the shit out of him. We made love again that night and afterwards as we laid in bed enjoying the afterglow, we made plans for what I assumed to be a very short future together since I had trouble committing to anyone and anything for any long periods of time. How little did I know that I was right and wrong all at the same time.

Before I knew what had happened a year had passed and I didn't know where the time had flown. I was fucking floored that not once in the year had I every cheated or even thought about cheating on the man that consumed my entire existence. We basically had just fallen into a normal relationship where it was only the two of us and we only had eyes for each other. Don't get me wrong because it wasn't all sunshine and roses, because lets face it I am Colin Farrell and my ego and my fear got in the way of my mouth and my mind and do even still too this day. I would have bouts of anxiety where I would try and fuck things up with Jared out of stone cold fear, but then he would just knock some sense back into my stubborn head and all would be right with the world again and I would love him all the more for it.

The second year that we were together was a bit harder since we were both so busy with our careers that before we knew it most of that year had vanished and we couldn't really remember when we had been together. It was then that we decided that no matter how busy we were that nothing was more important then the love and the relationship that we shared together, making plans to meet up several times a month to be together without fail. It was amazing and beautiful and more perfect then I could have ever imagined as the love that we had for each other grew even more then I thought possible and then year three rolled around.

Year three started off with a bang as on the eve of the New Year I present to Jared a ring of commitment and a key to a small home that we were to share together. There was no official ceremony, but it was special and important just the same as he and I made love before the fire on our semi honeymoon as we shared our vows and made plans for the future. I should have known that everything was too perfect and would all fall to shit in an instant, but I was too blinded by love to expect anything more then the perfection I was experiencing.

It started out as a tiny blurb in a tabloid magazine, but then word spread like wildfire and before I knew it Jared and I were being forced apart and I was fucking miserable for it. The article read the Jared and I had been spotted at a known Hollywood gay club and had seemed more then just former co-stars and friends, but more like lovers. Immediately our people went to work to put the supposed rumor to rest, but when pictures appeared in another rag of the two identical rings that each of us was sporting, the shit really hit the fan. Gay rumors like you could never believe began to spread about the two of us and yet at the same time we were being paired up with every known or thought to me known gay man here and abroad. The powers that be decided that no matter what that Jared and I had to put some space between us, they said for a short while until the rumors died down, but he and I knew that it was meant to be a permanent thing. Jared could have cared less about the rumors and what the world thought about him being gay and in love with me, but my insecurities got the better of me and I chose to follow what the suits recommended. He stayed alone in the house that I had bought for us and I moved into a hotel for a short time before taking on a movie role that took me out of the picture and the country for nearly six months. It was then that the fibers of our relationship began to unravel, but I had somehow convinced myself that I was only doing what was best for the two of us and our careers.

Our forth year was very similar to year three in that we each took on new projects that forced us to be away from each other, except this time it was for longer periods of time. There was an occasional trip together every now and then, but it was usually for a few nights or a weekend in some shit box motel where no one knew or cared who we were before being forced apart once again. Jared was a miserable mess, who would sulk and become sullen on the turn of a dime and yet I just ignored the signs that were right there in front of me. I was being a coward and I knew it, but the fact of the matter was that I was fucking terrified of what the public as well as my family would think of the great Colin Farrell being gay and in love with another man. It was stupid and childish and I was making the man that meant the fucking moon to me, suffer for it and yet I didn't even try to fix it or make it better. I quickly learned though that even though Jared was in love with me, he had a breaking point and towards the end of that year I was to learn just how far I had pushed him.

He had made an unexpected visit to the set of one of my films, just traipsing onto the set without regard for the filming that was going on and the people standing around working. He told me in no uncertain terms that I was to go with him or that there would be hell to pay. I had never seen that side of Jared before, but by the anger flashing within those eyes I knew that I had better do anything and everything that he had asked of me. The director, an out and proud gay man himself, gave me no hassles as he gave me a two day reprieve before shooting me a wink and then sending me on my way.

We ended up back at my hotel, where he proceeded to curse me a blue streak before I even had the chance to shut the door, eventually breaking down tearfully into my arms in exhaustion afterwards. He gave me an ultimatum that night, insisting that our way of life change or I was going to lose him for good. I was fucking terrified as later that night he slept soundly within my arms as I mulled over each threat and promise laid out so plainly before me. I eventually fell into an un-restful slumber, finding the ring that I had given him laying upon the night stand beside the bed with a note. The note was plain and simple, stating that he knew that I loved him and that I was scared, but that some things had to change and some decisions had to be made or what we had would be over. He gave me till the end of the movie shoot to make my decision, but I didn't waste any time as I hopped a plane for home that very same day towards the man that I loved and was petrified to lose, placing that ring once again on his finger where it belonged. My agent was all over my ass the moment that she learned I had not returned back to the set, but I didn't care and told her that I would pay whatever fines there would be for breaking my contract because Jared was more important to me then money. Luckily I had a partner that decide to forgive me and a director who understood what it was like to be gay and in love in Hollywood. He cursed out like a sailor, wished me luck with my lover and threatened to end my entire career if I didn't return to the set at his designated time. The year ended with Jared and I even more in love and several awards under my belt for the movie that turned out to be the best one I had ever made.

Year five the rumors about my sexuality surfaced once again and as expected I caved into the pressure and once again hurt Jared in my stupidity. I began to take on any project that came my way and most of them always ended me up overseas. I went to Japan to make commercials for products that I couldn't have told you what they were. I went to Spain to make an Indie movie that should have only taken a few months and somehow I was able to drag it out a few more. I had promised despite my being away that we would always be in contact, constantly making plans to come home for a few days or more and yet always finding one excuse or another as to why I could never make it once the time came. I knew that I was avoiding Jared and the rumors that just didn't seem to be going away that time, and yet the selfish part of me didn't care. We still talked nightly upon the phone, but I could tell that Jared wasn't happy and yet I pretended that everything was fine. The fighting and the threats started soon there afterwards, where I would make a quick trip home, make love to my partner and then leave again. It seemed to appease him on the surface, but I knew that it was just a matter of time before I lost the man that I loved once and for all. Everything good and special in my life came to an end at the end of our fifth year, just as I knew it would and yet in a way that I could never have expected.

It was our five year anniversary and the few friends and family members that knew about Jared and I had decided to throw us a party. It was supposed to be a grand event where we shared with each of them the love and support that was Colin and Jared. What they didn't know was that Jared and I were barely speaking to each other and when we did it was usually not pleasant. He was hurt, disgusted and fed up with me and I was pissed off at him because no matter how much I tried, I could not get him to understand that I loved him but yet was afraid of him and what we had become. The relationship that meant the most to me was crumbling at my feet and I felt powerless to stop it.

I was in the middle of filming yet another movie and had made plans to make it back to California for a week in order to celebrate our anniversary and hopefully make nice with Jared. Fate however, she had other ideas as the director called me the moment that I was leaving for the airport with what he termed "fucked up news" It seemed that some of the film had been ruined somehow and if the movie was to finish on time and on budget I was going to have to forgo my trip home in order to re-tape those lost scenes. I argued with the director, but honestly I can admit that I really didn't put much gusto behind it. Why you might be asking, the only answer I can give was that I was fucking terrified to go home and face Jared and our network of family and friends. I felt so completely out of control with my life and unsure of what I wanted to do or what I could do to make things right with him, so I took the easy way out. That phone call was anything but easy as I tried to explain to the furious man why I would not be there for our happy celebration.

"Where are you? Your plane should have landed hours ago" I heard him question me, an underlying edge to his voice as he waited for me to reply.

"I'm still in Canada" I replied simply, gritting my teeth as I waited for the outburst I knew was about to happen.

"That's not funny Colin. Where the fuck are you really?" He ground out loudly as I pulled the phone away from my ear in order to protect my hearing.

"Some film was lost or destroyed and they need me to re-shoot the scenes so the movie can come out on budget and…" I went on lamely, knowing that it was a bullshit excuse and yet I continued to ramble as the line stayed eerily silent. "Jared…you still there luv?"

"I can't believe that you are doing this to me again Colin" I finally heard him speak, the pain and the tears so evident in his voice. "I've got our friends and family waiting for us at your favorite fucking restaurant to throw a anniversary party to celebrate the love that we supposedly fucking have for each other" I could hear the sadness turn to anger and something else and I knew that I was sunk. "Your entire fucking family flew in from Ireland to be with you and you're still in fucking Canada. I'm glad to see that you being a hero to the director of your movie is more important then being a hero to the man that you claim to love and the family who dropped everything to be here for you" My heart was breaking as I tried to assure him that I truly did still love him, but he wanted nothing to do with my excuses or me as he cut me off mid sentence and fucking devastated my entire existence. "I'll go to this fucking charade and pretend that everything is perfect and wonderful between us, because lets face it they've put a lot of time and money into this shin dig. They don't need to know that you and I are over just yet, because the truth is that I can't do this anymore Colin"

"Jared no…don't say that. I love you. I love you more then anything in the fucking world" I defended our love in hopes that I could sooth over the pain, but he refused to back down that time and as much as it pained me to admit it, I couldn't fucking blame him.

"It's over Colin and it has been for a really long time" He struggled with his words as he sobbed softly on the phone. "I don't think that you love me anymore. Hell…maybe you never did" His words were like hundreds of tiny daggers to my heart as the words which usually poured so freely from my lips seemed have just disappeared. "It's taken me five years to realize this…stupid bastard that I am"

"It's not true Jared…" My voice was gravely and heavy with sorrow. "I love you. I love you so much. You have to believe that. Tell me you believe that?" I was frantic and petrified and I waited for him to respond.

"How would I know Colin?" He asked the anger returning. "In the last five years we have spent more time apart then we have together. I will take some of the blame since my career was part of that equation as well, but in the last few years I have tried everything in my power to be with you. I've turned down film roles…neglected my band and the road which you know means the world to me…for you. I have fought tooth and nail…racked up so many frequent flyer miles on my own for me to fly around the fucking world…twice and yet what have you done? You find any reason whatsoever to be away from me and when we do make plans to get together…you fucking cancel them without fail"

"I know…I know that I've fucked up" I was hysterically screaming into the phone because I knew that I had fucked everything up for good. "But…what can I do to make it up to you? How can I prove to you that I do love you and don't want to lose you? I love you Jared. I've always fucking loved you. Don't do this. Don't end what we have because it will just fucking break me" I was desperate and willing to use any bit of guilt that I could to get my way.

"Welcome to my world Colin" He sniffled, taking a deep breath before he continued. "I've felt broken in two for years now. I can't do this anymore. It's too hard and I just don't have the energy to fight for it anymore. I want out and I think that deep down inside you want that too. I'll be the bad guy here and take the full reasonability for ending it because it's worth it to just be free once again. I'll move my stuff out of the house and go and stay with Shannon until I can get on my feet again" The line went silent for a moment as we both cried openly over the end of what had once been a shining example of love. "I still love you Colin and no matter what I always will. Take care of yourself" And then the line went dead as did my heart and my soul. I tried to call Jared back several times after that, continuously getting his voicemail as I tried to figure out through my confused mind what to do.

I decided to give Jared some cooling off time before I once again went after him with my tail between my legs. The re-shoots only took a few more days and then I was going to catch a flight home and beg and grovel at his feet if that was what it took me make nice with him. I had just stepped out of the shower on the morning I was to leave when I heard something on the TV playing in the background that caused my heart to drop into the pit of my stomach. It was one of those daily entertainment shows that told of the what's what in Hollywood, that morning it told me that the man that I loved and was dying to get back home to was in the hospital in a coma and as far as they knew his prognosis was not good. I lost the capability to stand as I crashed heavily to the floor in blind shock as I continued to watch images of his clearly distraught family, as well as my own family rush past photospheres into the hospital. I knew that it had to be a mistake because I had just spoken to Jared not more then a few days before hand and he was perfectly fine, upset with me but not lying in a hospital bed in a coma, ready to chop my bullocks off, but not fighting for his very life in a fucking hospital.

My world was spinning as I lunged for the cell phone lying on the night stand behind me. "Shannon…" I screamed into the phone once his brother had answered his. "What the fuck is going on? Is this some kind of sick fucking joke?" My hands were shaking as Jared's brother proceeded to curse me a blue streak as he began to tell me exactly what he thought of me. I still didn't have an answer as to what the fuck had happened, but I could tell by the fearful tone in his voice that what I had seen was at least in some part true.

I felt as if I was in some sort of fucked up nightmare as I tried to wrap my mind around everything, finding it nearly impossible to breath much less function enough to do something about it. A knock at my door caught me momentarily off guard, but it wasn't enough to rouse me from my state of shock. Before I knew what was happening I felt hands lifting me to my feet and in a flurry of activity I was dressed and sitting in a nearby chair as my directors face hovered before me. He had heard the news on the Telly as well and had jumped into action to help me. I was still pretty numb to everything that was going on around me, but before I knew what was happening I was sitting in a small airplane as that same director barked orders at the pilot. They shared a smile and then a kiss before he turned his attention back to me. "Ross here will take you directly to the hospital. I've already alerted them that you are on your way and someone will meet you on the tarmac once you arrive. Don't worry about the movie for right now" He knelt before me, laying his hands upon me own hands as they sat in my lap. "Go to him…bring him back from wherever he is hiding right now and don't fuck it up again"

"I don't know if I can" I whispered tearfully, my world still spinning out of control.

"You can" He smiled at me before kissing me upon the cheek. "If he loves you as much as I think that he does…then you're the only one who can" I watched as he was escorted off of the plane, the door slamming loudly before we actually took flight. The cabin was in near silence as I sat alone and pondered his words and with each mile that we crossed my determination factor rose dramatically. I had fucked up and I could admit that, but the closer I got back to the man that I loved the more determined I was to pull him back from the depths of hell and prove to him my worth.

There was a car waiting for me at the airport and the paparazzi stood outside the hospital waiting to see who would be coming to see the comatose star. I didn't give a shit about them or their flashing camera's because all that mattered was getting to Jared. The moment that I entered I was led into a private waiting room where Jared's family and some of my own were waiting and by the looks on all of their faces I was not welcome there at all.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I heard Shannon cry out as he rushed over to where I stood paralyzed by the amount of anger and resentment staring back at me as I looked over his shoulder at my brother Eamon and my mother. "I said what the fuck are you doing here?" He asked me again, this time louder and more physical when he grabbed onto my arm and jerked me forward to face him.

"I'm here for Jared" I replied lamely, unable to break the eye contact that I was sharing with the man who had always been my rock and savior, my brother Eamon.

"Yeah…like you were for him the other night when this happened" His cries got even louder as I focused my attention back to him. "This is your entire fucking fault Colin. You were supposed to be there for him and yet once again you let him down. If he dies this is all on you. You hear me your mother fucker" Louder and louder his voice became until I felt as if my ears would bleed from the harshness of them all.

"I fucked up ok" I cried out in my own loudness, anger, frustration and tears beginning to become too much for me to handle. "The situation changed…Jared knew that" I was defending myself and yet I still had no idea how the fuck it was that Jared had ended up in the hospital in a coma. "You know what Shannon…fuck you. I don't give a shit what you think…I need to see Jared"

"The hell you will" He screamed madly lunging forward with the intent to cause me bodily harm, but my brother was quicker as he pulled Shannon away from me, holding him in his arms as the shorter man fell apart. I was stumped as I looked from Shannon to Eamon, wondering when the hell the two of them had gotten so close.

Eamon didn't say a word, but his eyes said it all as they looked from the lock that he had upon me to the door. I got the message loud and clear that he was at least still partially on my side as I took my leave and went in search of the doctor or anyone that could give me information on my lover. I got the run around for nearly a quarter of an hour before I was able to speak to the doctor and even then I really didn't get any sure answers right away. My frustration level was far above it peak as I placed my shaking hands within my pockets and demanded to know what the fuck was going on and why I hadn't been contacted when I knew that I was Jared's emergency contact as he was mine. "Mr. Leto's brother informed us that you were unable to be reached" The doctor replied, eyeing me in warily and who could blame him for he had no clue who the hell I was and even if he did, he didn't know how I was connected to Jared.

"I'm going to kill that mother fucker" I snapped, running my hands through my hair as I began to pace the small office he had brought me to. "Regardless of what Mr. Leto brother told you" I turned my full attention towards the older healer. "You should have fucking called me. I am the main point of emergency contact for Jared. I should have been called first and then his fucking brother" Removing my hands from my pockets I gripped onto the table so hard that every knuckle in my hand popped, but I didn't care as I leaned forward and stared into fearful eyes. "And if you don't want a bloody law suit against this hospital then I suggest that you tell me where the fuck Jared is. I want to see him and I want to see him…NOW" I got a small hint of satisfaction as I watched the doctor flinch at my words, but then his fear turned into determination as he turned the tables on me and put me in the spotlight.

"And just who are you to Mr. Leto sir?" He asked, crossing his arms over his chest as his eyes bored into my own.

I actually hesitated for a moment and then realized that part of the reason that Jared was in the hospital and possibly dying was because of my failure to admit who I was to him and what he meant to me. "I'm his lover…his partner" I spoke the words coolly and calmly, but on the inside I was near passing out.

"I'm sorry I didn't' realize" He stated, looking a bit embarrassed as he sat down in his chair, indicating for me to do the same. I wanted to scream at him that every moment we stayed in the office was another moment that I lost with Jared, but he was determined to get me to listen as he pointed toward the seat again before opening a file before him. Exactly what do you know about Jared's condition?" He asked, glancing up at me briefly before looking back down at the papers before him.

"Only what I've heard on the TV…that he's in a coma…that's it" I replied dumbly, knowing what he was thinking before he said a word. "I was on location shooting a movie...I'm an actor" I added in lamely.

"I know who you are Mr. Farrell. I've seen some of your movies"

"I saw it on the telly and…Shannon shouldn't have fucking told you not to call me" I broke down from the weight and fright of everything. "I'm his partner…his lover for the last five years. Fuck…I've screwed everything up and he could die because of it" I began to pace the small room again, tears rolling down my face and I could have cared less. "Please doctor…I have to see him. I am begging you" I was about to fall to my knees, do anything I had to do to see him, but as he nodded towards the chair once again I knew that nothing I could do would help me.

"He's in critical condition…" He cut off my feeling sorry for myself as I did as he asked, falling heavily into the chair. "He was hit by a drunk driver on his way from a gathering and has sustained several life threatening injuries" My heart lurched into my throat as the words he spoke churned within my already fucked up brain. "He was thrown from the car and a metal piece from the wreckage nicked one of his lungs. We were able to repair that with minimal problems, but he's also sustained massive head trauma and has already under gone extensive surgery upon his brain to relieve the pressure that had built up there. It was an extreme surgery and one that we don't know if he will ever recover from"

"What do you mean you don't know if it will fucking recover from this. Then do something else…anything else. Money is no object. Find a specialist…fly him in. I don't give a fuck…but don't you dare tell me that he may not recover" I spit out hatefully as I lunged across the table and grabbed onto the front of his shirt. He didn't even bat an eye, acting like crazy and distraught men losing their mind was an everyday thing for him. "We have the best specialist on staff Mr. Farrell" His words were cold and hateful as he jerked my clenched hand from off his person, pushing me back into the chair behind me. "They've done everything and anything possible for Mr. Leto. It's now time for Jared to do the rest"

"I need to see him" I whispered through my heartbreak as I looked up at the doctor a broken man. "Please…I beg of you. I have to see him. He needs to know that I am here for him and that I love him…please"

"I will take you to him. However…you should prepare yourself for what you are about to see. He's doesn't look like what you'd expect from the last time you saw him. He's body is broken, bruised and disfigured. This case is extreme Mr. Farrell and if he recovers…his progress will be long"

"I just need to see him" I spoke in a hushed whisper as I watched him get up out of his chair and walk towards the door. No words were spoken as I was taken down several hallways before stopping before a closed door on the ICU ward.

"You may only stay with him for a short time, but I must ask that you prepare yourself Mr. Farrell. I warn you now" And with those words spoken he opened the door, nodding at a nurse as she handed him a chart. I refused to look at the large hospital bed with monitors and gadgets galore surrounding it at first, as I found fascination with the floor, trying like hell to gather my strength. Every ounce of it left my body the moment that I finally found the courage to lift my eyes, laying them upon a horribly disfigured mess of a human being and then everything around me went black.

I came to sitting in what appeared to be a hallway of sorts, several people fussing around me and believe it or not some of them taking fucking pictures as I tried to come to terms with what had been going on. I was livid as I finally came to life, cursing every one of them a blue streak before getting my wits about me. The doctor from before was at my side in that moment threatening to fire any person who tried to sell those photos from the hospital or worse, I decided at that moment in time that I loved that man more then he could ever know. "Are you ok?" He asked and I could see for the first time true compassion in his eyes as I fell back into the wheelchair.

"He doesn't even look anything like the man that I love" I whispered through my tears as I leaned forward and allowed them to flow like a river, uncaring that many were still looking at me as if I had lost my head.

"But he is…and you have to look past the bruises and the bandages and help pull him through this nightmare" He replied as he knelt down beside me. "It won't be easy Mr. Farrell, but if Jared is to recover he needs the support of his friends and his loved ones around him"

"Thank you" I hiccupped as I squeezed the hand that lay atop my own in support. "Can I go back and see him now?" It took every ounce of my inner strength and then some to force my feet to take me back into that room, but I knew that I had to do it for the man that I loved above all other, no matter what fucked up kink life had thrown at us. Tears bled from my eyes as I stood at his bed side, but not a single sound omitted from my lips as I took in the severely damaged man lying before me. I don't think that there was a single inch of skin on his body that wasn't marred by colored blotches or broken skin. His long flowing locks that I had loved so much were gone as well, replaced by a shaved head and a large bandage. It was a sickly sight to look upon, but I ignored all that as I gently took his mangled hand into my own and placed a tiny kiss upon it. "Can he hear me?" I asked the doctor standing silently before us, not speaking a word as he watched the scene playing out before him.

"Some people believe that they can…others do not" He said.

"What do you think?" I asked, needing for some reason to know exactly what he felt on the subject.

"I believe that they can Mr. Farrell. Just talk to him. Give him a reason to fight…a reason to come back to you" He replied with a small smile, before leaving me alone with the comatose man.

"Thank you" I told him before focusing my attention back towards Jared. "Hey baby…It's Colin" I whispered softly through my tears as I traced my finger down an unblemished spot of beautiful skin upon his face. "I'm here now and I am going to take care of you" Tears rushed down my cheeks in torrents as I continued to ghost over that simple spot. "Oh Jesus Jared…I am so fucking sorry" I sobbed, closing my eyes as I lifted his hand to my cheek, noticing for the first time just how cold it felt to me. "I should have been there that night…should have been at your side where I belonged, but I fucked up. I put filming ahead of you…making you feel as if that was more important to me then you could ever be" My sobs increased as I continued to blabber uncontrollably. "But it's not true you know" I pushed forward, despite that fact that the guilt was nearly choking me to do so. "You mean everything to me…you always have and you always will. I always thought that we were going to have more time together…so it's why I took project after project…or part of the reason" I whispered more to myself then to the man still lying before me unmoving. "I was so scared Jared…I can admit that now. Scared of people finding out, of admitting to myself that the one person put on this earth for only me was you…a man. It never changed the fact that I loved you, but it frightened me none the less" I was beginning to take a tumble down a downward spiral, but I sidestepped it for another time, focusing once again on trying to get Jared to come back to me. "I do love you Jared…more then you could ever know or I could ever explain. You are everything to me…more important then anything else from now on…I promise. You just have to come back to me baby. I can't live without you" I vowed, taking a deep breath as I prepared to speak more, but a hand upon my arm hindered that from happening.

"It's time Mr. Farrell. He needs his rest. You can come back tomorrow" I wanted to fight him, but I knew that he knew what he was doing and if it meant that Jared would come back to me just that much sooner, then I would do anything that he asked of me. The moment that I exited the room, the full reality of the situation hit me as I rushed towards the closest restroom and emptied the entire contents of my stomach and then some. I lost it, right then and there on the cold linoleum floor as tears by the gallons exited my body, then followed by wails enough to wake the damned.

Once I felt that I had gotten the demons out of my system I went in search for another demon that constantly seemed to haunt me. I was already done with my first cigarette and well onto my second one when Eamon joined me out on a tiny secluded space right outside the back of the hospital. He didn't say a word at first as he too smoked a fag, doing everything possible but looking at me. "How bad is he?" He finally asked, flicking the butt across the way. "You're the first person that they've allowed to see him and to say that Shannon is fucking pissed is an understatement.

"Bad…" I croaked, drawing another drag from my cigarette before throwing it upon the ground, focusing my full anger upon the brother whom up until that point had always been on my side no matter what. "You betrayed me" I accused, reaching for another cigarette as I practically inhaled the entire cylinder in one motion. "You didn't fucking call me. The man that I love could be dying and you didn't even fucking call me. I would expect this shit from Shannon since we all know how much he fucking hates me…but you Eamon. How could you do this to me?" My anger turned to unmanageable pain as I fell onto a nearby bench, bending forward as I hide my face within my hands. "Why would you do this to me?" I questioned brokenly, not even bothering to look up when he sat beside me, placing his hand upon my shoulder.

"I felt responsible" Was what I heard as I shook my head to clear it because I was sure that I had heard that wrong.

"What?"

"I felt responsible at first because I was the only one that he had told as to why you were not at your own fucking anniversary party" He was angry and his words reflected that as the grip upon my shoulder increased. "He was so upset Colin…trying to remain together…but a near fall down fucking mess just the same. I told him that he needed to get out of there and that I would take care of everything. I just never expected that where he would end up was in the fucking hospital in a coma" His voice broke for a moment as he got up and began to walk the small length before me.

"Eamon…" I said softly as I looked up and saw the look of guilt and grief upon his normally stoic feathers.

"Shut the fuck up Colin…" He cried out, startling me with the anger and hatred behind his outburst. "You don't get to talk…only fucking listen" I was stunned at his words and so I did just that as I shut up and listened to every word that he had to say. "I felt guilty at the beginning…but then I realized that this is your entire fucking fault. You've been pushing Jared out of your life slowly but surely over the years, this time being the final straw for him. I didn't call you because truth be told…you didn't fucking deserve to be called. I asked him before he left the party if he wanted me to call you since I knew how upset he was. Do you know what he said? DO YOU?" He screamed when I didn't answer him right away.

"No…"

"You devastated his fucking heart when you cancelled on him again and yet he begged me not to call you because he was afraid of hurting you. Even after everything that you did to him…he was still only worried about protecting your heart…when it was obvious to me that you didn't give two fucks about his. But you know what Colin...I don't think there is even a heart inside you to break most times" The heart that he didn't think was capable of breaking, decimated right there before him as I totally and utterly broke down once again, because he was absolutely right and I knew it. "There's something that you need to know Colin" He went on, the anger weaning from his voice. "Jared told me something else that night and it's the reason that he was leaving the party. He was going to…"

"COLIN JAMES FARRELL…" Eamon didn't get to finish his sentence as my mother took that exact moment to blow into the quad and like my brother before her proceeded to rip me a new arsehole. Once she was done I felt as if I had lost everything and anything that meant something to me in the world, but then before I knew what was happening I was wrapped in a cocoon of family warmth as words of forgiveness and love where exchanged. They forgave me for all my misgivings and fuck ups like a family is supposed to and you can't begin to imagine how wonderful it felt to know that I was still loved and could lean on them for support when I needed them. Jared had a long road to recovery ahead of him and I knew that I could be there every step of the way as long and I had my family to support me along my way as well.

Jared remained in a coma for nearly six weeks before there was any change in him and the stress and the fear were practically eating me up alive. I spent every waking moment allowed in that hospital room. I was there the moment that visiting hours began and bitching and moaning when they ended as I was practically thrown out nightly. My mother had gone back to Ireland but she called me everyday, giving me a break and allowing me to sound off at how cruel and hateful fate could be. Eamon put his entire life on hold for me and even today I still don't think I can ever repay him for what he did. The shoddy relationship the stood between Shannon and I was rocky at best before Jared had ended up in hospital, but afterwards it crumbled down into absolutely nothing. He still blamed me for what happened and no matter how many times I accepted his blame, it just never proved to be enough. It was common for the two of us to blow up several times a day at each other, nurses and doctors having to come in and break up the verbal spars daily. On more then one occasion we were threatened to be banned from Jared's room and the hospital altogether and that would stop us for a bit and then it would start up all over again. Jared came back to us, in a sense, one morning out of the blue and once again everything that I knew to be real and true in my life changed drastically.

The day started out as any other with Shannon and I exchanging barbs as we sat in Jared's room, off to the side of the bed in order to stretch our legs after too much sitting. That particular day we were especially nasty to each other, holding nothing back as curses and ill feelings were tossed back and forth. I don't know how long he was awake, but it must have been long enough to piss him off because the next thing I knew a word cut us both off dead as our heads snapped over towards the bed and the man whom had been practically dead to the world for weeks prior.

"Enough…"

His eyes were closed, but something was different as his chest rose and fell in rapid movements and then the next thing I knew I was staring into those beautiful baby blue eyes that I feel in love with so long ago.

"Jared…" Shannon and I spoke at the same time as we both rushed towards the silent man, nearly knocking each other to the floor in our haste to beat the other. Of course, we both stopped in out tracks as his eye grew to the size of tea saucers, his entire body flinching backwards as if we were about to attack him instead of loving him to death.

"Stop…stay away" He cried out, fear so evident in his voice as Shannon and I just stood before him utterly speechless.

"Jared…" I whispered his name again as I took another tenitive step forward, only to step back as he once again gave me a look of pure and utter fright.

"Who are you? Who is Jared?" He asked, clutching his hands tightly to the sheet as if it would have protected him from us.

"Jared…that's not funny" I replied a bit cockily, regretting it instantly at the look I received from the man who I realized had no idea who the hell he was or who we were. "Holy shit…he's not joking" I turned to Shannon who had yet to speak a word. "Get the bloody doctor" I ordered, pushing him towards the door when he didn't even move a muscle. I expected to get shit for that, but instead all I got was his dust as he practically stumbled over his feet to get out of the room. "This isn't a joke right. I mean…you have no idea who you are…or who we are?" I asked still praying that he was playing some huge joke on us. He said not a word, only nodded his head from side to side as he continued to stare at me as if I were his mortal enemy.

"You name is Jared Leto and I am Colin Farrell" I began, my voice quaking as I tried to fight the urge to break down into a complete heap on the floor before him.

"Why am I here?" He asked as he looked around the room and then at his slowly healing hands. "What happened to me?"

"You don't remember anything?" I asked again, having to make sure that this was still not a prank that an angry love of mine was playing on me. "Nothing at all?" I could see the look of concentration that crossed his face and then frustration as he, I assumed drew a blank. "You were in an accident about six weeks ago. You've been in a coma ever since then. Oh Jesus baby…but now your back" I lost my own concentration as I lunged forward, grabbing Jared's hands as tears bled like mad from my eyes. He jerked his hands out of reach so fast that I nearly lost my balance as I tried to pull myself backwards before I fell.

"No…" He shouted, extremely agitated as he glared at me. "Leave me alone. I don't know you. Just leave me alone" His cries got louder as I stepped backwards until my back was pressed against the wall behind me.

"What the fuck have you done to him?" Shannon yelled at me as he bound into the room with the doctor in tow. "Jared…are you ok?" He asked his brother as he flew to his side attempting to pull him into his arms, only to draw back as quickly as I had when screams of fear echoed around us.

"You two out…now" The doctor ordered as a slew of medical people swarmed in, forcing the two of us into the hallway.

"What the fuck did you do to him?" Shannon asked me again, accusation dripping from ever word.

I didn't say a word as I turned around and literally ran as fast as I could outside into the tiny courtyard. Tears rolled down my face as I brought my shaky hand to my mouth in order to inhale the nicotine that my body was craving desperately. I knew for certain that Jared wasn't playing with me by the look of blankness and fear that stared back at me as I gazed into his eyes. He had no fucking idea what was going on and once again I cursed the fates for fucking my life up again. I don't know how long I was out there, but it must have been awhile as Eamon found his way into my sanctuary as he had weeks prior, pulling me into his arms as I clung to him as if for dear life. "Shannon called me" He spoke against my ear, pulling me tighter into his embrace as he continued. "He told me everything. The doctors are running some tests now and they gave Jared something to make him sleep"

"NO…" I cried out in shocked fear. "What if he doesn't wake up again?" I cried out as I stepped back, still clutching onto the arms of my brothers leather jacket so tight that I knew I must have been cutting off his circulation.

"Shannon was worried about the same thing" He spoke, removing himself from my grip, before leading me to a nearby bench. "The doctor's assured him that everything would be fine. They are running some tests right now and when they get the results back they will speak to you and Jared directly"

"He remembers nothing" I sobbed against his shoulder as I once again found myself within his arms. "Nothing about the accident or how it happened. Fuck…he doesn't even remember me. Jesus Eamon…I'll just die if he never remembers me or the life that we've spent together" I could feel Eamon tense for a moment and expected him to say something, but he only held onto me tighter whispering encouragement against my ear.

It was another couple of hours before the doctor informed us that Jared was suffering from a form of amnesia. He couldn't tell us if it was permanent or temporary, only that time would tell and that Jared was the only one who would know for sure. To our relief all his other wounds were healing nicely and he was pretty optimistic that he would make a near full recovery given the right amount of time and encouragement from the ones that loved him. We weren't allowed to see him again that night, but were told that we could come back the next morning. He assured us that he had spoken to Jared quite thoroughly before any tests were run and he had seemed to accept the fact that he had been in an accident and that the people who had been in the room with him when he woke up were people that knew and cared for him. However, he warned us that he would not tolerate the bickering and hatred that had been on display from the moment that he met us. Jared's recovery was going to be a long process and he reminded us that it was up to the two of us who loved him the most to help him with that progress, not hinder it. We each made promises that we would as we shook his hand and walked out of his office. "Drink?" I heard Shannon ask as we stood numbly and dumbly in the corridor.

"Drink" I replied as we both took our leave and headed for the nearest bar.

We sat there together for a long while nursing our beers, neither of us knowing what to do or what do say. "Look…" Shannon finally spoke up, taking a drink of his brew before he continued. "We both know that I don't like you and that I think that you are a horrible choice in lovers for my brother" I did not like the way that that conversation was going as I prepared to have the same old battle with my arch foe, but he put his hands up in surrender before I could declare my peace. "But as much as this pains me to say, I know that Jared needs you to help in his recovery" I was dumbfounded as he continued. "So I say lets call a truce for now and focus on getting the man that we both love back to himself and then everything can go back to the way it was before this fucking ordeal happened. Truce…" He held out his hand before me as he waited for me to seal what was to be a temporary pact.

"Truce" I shook his hand quickly before picking up the bottle sitting before me, downing the rest of it in one full swallow. "Another…" I indicated towards the bar keep as Shannon did the same as if to wash the words out of his mouth. Silence fell upon us once again as we each seemed to have lost ourselves in our own set of thoughts. Several more drinks were added to the ones that I had already inhaled and before I knew it my courage was up and my mouth started working all on its own. I needed to know some truths and since both of us seemed to be pretty well liquored up I was hopeful to get what I needed. "Why do you hate me so much Shannon?" I asked him point blank as I turned on the bar stool I was sitting on to face him. "We used to get along alright when Jared and I first met and then it seemed as if over night you grew to hate me and I never fully knew why. I would ask Jared constantly at the beginning, wanting to know what I had done to upset you and how I could fix it and he always blew it off and told me that I was crazy, that you didn't hate me. I tried everything in my power to get close to you and you only grew to hate me more for it"

His eyes bore into my own for a very long time before he spoke and despite my inebriated state, some of it actually began to make sense. "You probably don't remember the first time that we met…but I remember it quite clearly" He began. "I had flown down to visit Jared while you were on a short break in Morocco" He began, my brow furrowed in confusion because I remembered our first meeting very well, or so I thought. "I had just stepped into the elevator to go up to his room and this fucking drunk and some bitch stumbled in behind me. They were all over each other, her tongue down his throat and his hands under her dress. They either didn't know that I was there or didn't care, but the scene got pretty raunchy before we reached Jared's floor. The doors flew open and I had to basically force myself between them to get out. I guess that I caught them off balance because the male of the two fell to the floor, cursing me a good one as we locked eyes upon each other. I knew who he was the moment that I saw his face, although he had no idea who I was"

"That was you?" I asked stupefied as I downed yet another bottle set before me because that was not the first acquaintance of Shannon that I remembered.

"That was me" He replied. "All Jared could talk about before I got there was how wonderful the great Colin Farrell was and how much he was in love with you. He was dying for me to meet the man he knew he was going to spend the rest of his life with and there you were preparing to fuck that woman behind his back" I watched as he took a deep breath through clenched teeth before beginning again. "The first words out of his mouth once I finally got to his room was just how excited he was that that I was there and finally going to meet you. I wanted to tell him so badly that the man that he loved had been cheating on him with a woman, but I had never seen Jared so happy before and so I kept my mouth shut. Our second meeting went much smoother then our first and so I decided to move past what I had seen and give you another chance. I still can't believe what a fucking moron I was because not two days later I found you sitting in a bar much like this one with that same women and once again you were all over each other. I decided right then and there that I hated you and no matter how much my brother loved you that I would tell him the truth about you"

"He knew Shannon" I finally spoke up, staring him dead on to make sure that he understood my words. "I told him everything after it happened the second time. I was scared and confused and fucking drunk out of my mind because of it…not that it made up for what I had done. I went to him the next day and told him what had happened and begged for his forgiveness. He told me that he needed time to think and that was when you two went away for those few days to work on songs for your album. I expected him to come back to tell me to fuck off…but he told me that he loved me and forgave me and that if I did it again he would cut off my bullocks and keep them as a souvenir" I chuckled sadly, wiping at the few salty tears that had strayed down my face. "I never strayed after that" I assured. "But not because he had threatened me…but because I realized then how much I truly loved him and what it took for a man like him to love a fuck up like me"

"You've put him through hell from the very moment that you entered his life" Shannon spoke straight forward again, our eyes still locked as if gauging each others through them. "You have hurt him and forced him to question if he was ever good enough for the great Colin. I have begged him time and time again to leave you…but he never would. He always told me that there was nothing that could ever push him far enough to break the love that he held for you and then you pulled this shit with the anniversary. He's in there because of you…because you couldn't be there for him in the ways that he needed you and so he went to…" He stopped speaking for a moment, took another deep breath before looking at me once again. "I don't like you Colin. In fact I fucking hate you and everything you stand for…but if being with you is what it takes to bring my brother back then I will step aside and let it happen. Just know that if you fuck up again…you will not get another chance…no matter what" He left right after that as I continued to drink myself stupid, calling my brother hours later when I was too drunk to think, much less drive myself home.

I was at the hospital bright and early the next morning dying to see Jared and hopeful that his condition had changed dramatically overnight. Shannon was there as well, barely acknowledging me with a grunted good morning before we both walked into his hospital room. Much to my relief he was already awake and very coherent, but by the look upon his face I knew that nothing about his condition had changed as I had hoped. "Hey bro…" I heard his brother speak to him, a smile upon his face as he walked over towards the side of the bed, but I noticed that he kept a safe distance that time.

"Morning baby…" I spoke as well; ignoring the death ray eyes that Shannon was shooting my way and the look of shock that was coming from Jared.

"The doctor told me that I know you or I knew you. I don't know since I can't seem to remember anything" Jared said, looking between the both of us, his face nothing but contorted confusion. "He didn't tell me who you are to me though"

"I'm Shannon…your brother" Shannon piped up before I even had a chance. "And that's Colin…he's a friend of yours" I wanted to strangle that man right there, but I gritted my teeth because I knew that Jared didn't need another scene like he got when he first came back to us.

"A friend?" Jared asked, his eyes searching mine as if trying to figure out how I entered into the equation.

"A good friend. A special friend" I replied with a smile as I walked over towards him, sitting down on a nearby chair to let them both know that I was not leaving any time soon. "A very special friend Jared" I smiled at him even wider, although the urge to cry right there in front of both of them was great. He pulled his eyes away from mine for a moment as he asked Shannon all sorts of questions, both of them seeming to ignore the fact that I was even in the room. However, when Jared asked Shannon to leave us alone for a moment I knew that I was being anything but ignored.

"How special a friend are you?" He asked, his brow furrowed as he once again locked blue eyes upon me. "Because I don't remember anything about you"

My heart broke right there on that very spot, but as the doctors words played back in my mind, I pushed it aside and vowed to myself to do anything in my power to bring my baby back. "I'm not your bloody friend" I spoke out, running my hand through my hair as I got up and moved closer towards him. "I'm your lover. Your partner. We've been together for the last five years" I spoke the truth gauging his reaction and receiving nothing in return at all.

"I'm gay?" He asked a look of frustration on his face as he tried to remember anything about me and what we had been to each other.

"Yes…" We met on the set of Alexander and fell in love and have been happy together ever since. I knew that I was stretching the truth a bit, but I didn't care because I didn't want him to remember the bad times, only the good times.

"Set? I don't understand" He whispered, a look of shock upon his face as he tried to come to terms with what he had just heard.

"We're actors…" I said reaching into the pocket of my trousers as I pulled out my wallet, digging out the small stash of pictures I always kept present. They were faded and worn, but I didn't go anywhere without them, looking at them constantly whenever I was away from the man that I loved. "This one was taken on a day of sight seeing. Oliver had given us the day off and we took advantage of that time to spend it together" I spoke softly, but with a smile upon my face as I handed over the picture of the two of us standing in the middle of a huge open air market. We both had our arms around each other, huge smiles upon our faces. "This one was taken in Ireland on Christmas morning about two years back. We were spending the holiday with my family" I went on, pointing to each family member surrounding us and giving each name. "And this one you gave me for my birthday" I traced the picture lovingly before handing it over to the man of which graced the paper. "You had them taken especially for me…for my eyes only" I smiled as I once again took in the barely naked form staring up from the photo, sultry eyes and a come hither smile gracing his handsome face. "There's an inscription on the back as well" I said, turning the picture over so he could read the words that I knew by heart.

"For Colin…" He began to read. "Word's can never express the amount of love that I hold for you. I know how much time apart hurts us both, but always keep this picture close to you and know that I am with you for always. All my love…Jared" The silence around us was deafening after that, but that all came to an end as Shannon took that exact moment to enter the room and for the rest of our visit he dominated the conversation. The next week was more of the same as Shannon practically inhabited all Jared's time. I was usually left sitting in that same chair, lucky to get a word in edgewise as Shannon droned on and one about growing up and their lives before the crash. I noticed that not once did he ever include the fact that Jared and I shared part of that life in his stories. I have to give Jared credit, because he did try once or twice to include me in the conversation, but Shannon was stronger and any resolve that he had vanished eventually. I was frustrated and hurt and unable to understand why shit like that was happening to me. Towards the end of the week my frustration ran over as I proceeded to curse Shannon a blue streak right there in front of Jared before stalking off. I felt as if I was an outsider and that as long as Shannon was in the picture and had his way that I would always be.

Eamon found me at my home hours later, apparently after talking to Shannon, where he proceeded to give me a piece of his mind as well. I tried to ignore him, tried to explain to him what was going on inside of me, but he wanted nothing to do with it and then he said something that made everything clear to me. "You know how you are feeling right now, like an outsider who can't be let in? Think about how Jared feels. He has no memory whatsoever of anything that has happened in his life before that accident. Don't you think that he feels like an outsider within his own life?"

"I love you bro" I called out as I hugged my brother, kissing him sloppily upon the cheek before rushing out of the room. I ignored his calls of confusion as I rushed into the living area of our home and went into a frantic search for all the photo albums and photo boxes that Jared has acquired over the years. Thankfully Jared kept every piece of anything that he felt would serve as a memory or a souvenir. I used to laugh at him as he would work almost tiredly upon the many scrapbooks at the beginning of our relationship, but as I loaded them into the boot of Eamon's car, I thanked the lord almighty above for Jared's brilliance. Eamon spent the night that night as we drank and recalled memories and happier times from our past. I thanked him for putting his life on hold for me, pulling him into another hug before we both crashed out for the night.

It took some convincing, but I was able to talk the nurses at the nursing station to allow me to see Jared a bit early the next morning. I knew that I needed some alone time with my lover and that as long as Shannon was around I wouldn't get that. I thought he was asleep as I entered the room, my brother behind me as we lugged in the many items from the previous night, but he wasn't. "Hey…" I spoke barely above a whisper as I walked over towards his bed side. "I'm sorry about yesterday. I was just so frustrated and…"

"It's ok" Jared smiled sadly at me. "Trust me I know about frustration. Who's he?" He asked as he looked up at Eamon who was standing silently before us.

"He's me brother Eamon" I announced, motioning him to come closer as he continued to stand straight still and unmoving behind me.

"Eamon…" Jared repeated the man, staring at my brother in full concentration. "I know that name" His face contorted and you could tell that he was really trying to remember who he was. I was jealous beyond belief that he could partially remember my brother, but couldn't remember that man whom had shared the previous five years of his life with, but I kept that bit to myself. "You were with me the night of the accident. We were sitting at a bar…you bought me a drink and then…" He closed his eyes for a moment breathing deep before opening them again. "I don't remember anything after that" I had a feeling that he was lying, but I didn't push it because I was fearful of what might happen if I had pushed him at all.

"Yes…that's right" Eamon began to speak frantically, rushing over and pulling Jared into his arms. I expected Jared to jump back in fright like he had the last time that Shannon or I had tried something like that, but he did the opposite as he fell into Eamon's arms. "I'm so sorry Jared. I feel that part of this is my fault. You were so upset and needed to leave and I told you to go"

"Needed to leave?" Jared asked as he pulled back and gazed up at Eamon. "I thought it was a party? Why would I need to go?"

"Um…I…" Eamon stammered, pulling back as he sat off to the side of the bed. "You know…I have to go. I've got calls to make and…um…things to do. I'll come back and see you real soon Jared…ok?" He asked, not waiting for an answer as he leaned over and kissed Jared simply upon the side of his face. "Take care and listen to what my idiot brother has to tell you. He loves you very much and although you don't remember it…you loved him very much as well"

We both watched him leave before Jared looked over at me and asked what all the stuff littering the floor was. "These are scrap books that you have worked on for as long as I've known you" I smiled as I walked over to the first scrap book, opening it up to the first page before moving the chair as close to Jared bed as I could. "This one is of your family and you growing up" I began as I flipped through the older of the albums. I began to recite the stories that I had heard time and time again from Jared, even including the ones about Shannon, no matter how much I wanted to exclude them. He said not a word as we went though two other albums before we came to the ones that included the two of us. "This…" I said pointing to a picture of Jared standing on the "Phone Booth" set. "Was the first time that I met you. It was my first big budget American movie and you had a bit part in it" I smiled remembering that first meeting with Jared Leto the actor. "The first time I met you I'll never forget because you had this spiky nineteen eighties hairdo and had on enough black eye liner to last a month" I laughed as I flipped the page and showed him a picture of him in a similar get up. "You were only on set for a few days to film, but it was a fun couple of days to say the least. I didn't think that I would ever see you again, but fate had other ideas as you were cast as my co-star in "Alexander" several years later" I left out the part where I had no idea who the fuck he was once we were reunited though.

"It was there that we became more then just friends" I fought the urge to tear up again, taking a deep breath before I began. "Our first time together neither of us really remembers" I smiled, blushing for some reason before going on. "We were both drunk and passed out half way through it, but it was what was needed to move us into that next step. After that night we were inseparable, finally admitting to the other that we felt more then friendship towards each other" He didn't say anything as we continued to flip through the many pages, me telling the stories that went along with each picture.

"I don't remember any of this" He spoke sadly as he traced his finger over a picture of us lying side by side together in bed one night. It was taken after a glorious bout of love making, Jared holding the digital camera above us as we beamed up at it. "It's all here in vivid proof and yet it's as if it were someone else life then my own. The doctors say that it might only be temporary…but what if it's not. What if I have to spend the rest of my life unable to remember anything about my history or the people I loved" Tears coated his cheeks as he slammed the book shut, tossing it aside in full frustration.

"Hey...you have to believe the doctors when they tell you that this is only going to be a temporary thing. Besides…you remembered Eamon and that's surely a start" I piped up, sitting beside him on the bed as I took his hand into my own. "Because the Jared that I know and love would never just sit back and let things happen to him. The Jared I know would fight as hard as he had to in order to get what he wanted…in order to come out on top. You have a family support group that loves you and will be beside you ever step of the way. I love you Jared and no matter what…even if you don't ever get your memory back I will always be there for you when you need me"

"Colin…I know that we must have been lovers before my accident...but…" He tried to speak, stopping for a moment as he looked up at me with more tears blazing down his face. "But…I don't know what I feel for you now. It's was a shock to realize that I have no memory of my past…but you realize that I am gay and in a relationship it just too mind blowing to comprehend. I don't know how to explain it other then…I don't feel gay. In fact the idea of being with another man…it sickens me. I'm so sorry…I just thought that you should know"

I closed my eyes as his words sunk into my heart, breaking it even more then I thought possible. "It's ok…I understand" I lied, laying his hand upon his lap before sitting back on the chair beside his bed. "Realizing your gay is hard on anyone…trust me I know that better then anyone. Plus with everything that has happened it's a bit much right now" I smiled sadly at him, tucking my hands within my own lap as I once again fought the urge to break down like a small child. "Just know that I will always be there for you and I won't push you into anything that you're not ready for. You may not love me Jared…but I love you and I can only hope that one day you will return that love as you once did. I think that I should go now" I sniffled, unable to look at him as I started walking towards the door. "I'll leave these with you so you can look through them some more and hopefully it will spark something. I'll be back later to check in on you…ok?"

"Colin…please don't take what I said the wrong way. I never meant to hurt you…but I don't think that I can give you what you want of me" He sounded so sad and small as I finally found the nerve to look up at him. "I know how hard this is for you…but despite my lack of feelings for you…I still want to be your friend"

He had no idea how much those words devastated me, but I pushed past my pain for the moment in order to give him what he needed. "Of course…friends it is" I smiled fakely before literally rushing away from him and out of that hospital as fast as I could. I didn't go back to see Jared that day but I made sure to call the nurses station and get a status report on him just the same. For the rest of the day I laid in the room that we had once shared, crying over memories of the past and the fresh pains brought on by my stupidity. I considered not ever going back to see Jared, leaving him with Shannon as he tried to move on with his life, but I knew I couldn't do that. I cried like my world was ending that night as I stared at the pictures always kept within the leather folds of my wallet and when I was done, I vowed that I would never leave Jared's side again.

He was in the hospital for another three weeks before the doctor deemed him well enough to go home, the problem after that was which home did he go back to. Shannon wanted him to go and stay with him, where I of course wanted him to come back to his home and stay with me. My reason was that maybe something would jog his memory if he were staying in the place that he had lived for the previous few years. It was a hard sell for Shannon who told me point blank that I was using it as an excuse to get my hands all over him again. I couldn't deny the fact that I missed Jared terribly and wanted him back in my life fully, if only in some small part, but I truly hoped that trying to get everything back to as normal as possible would help. The one positive factor I had was that the doctor agreed with me, and that seemed to be enough to convince Jared, thus blowing Shannon's case out of the water. The truth was that he had been making some head way in his memory. It was just small bits and pieces, but it was enough to make us hopeful that he would soon make a full recovery. The problem was that none of these memories included me in any way shape or form and that alone was near devastating again.

Once he was home and settled we immediately we fell into somewhat of a pattern. Days were spent visiting old haunts and friends, trying to give him as normal of a life as possible. Evenings were spent just spending time together where we went either over the photo albums again or I told him stories over and over again about what he was like before the accident, before saying our goodnights and leaving off to separate bedrooms. A friendship of sorts developed between us, one that he accepted whole heartedly and one that I hated with an undying passion because I wanted my partner and lover back. As much as I hated it, I had learned to accept it, thinking that everything would stay basically the same as it had, and yet I soon found out just how wrong I could be.

Several times a week Jared went to therapy at the hospital. It was several hours a day where he worked on his memory and vented his frustrations to the therapist there. I wasn't allowed to go in with him, but I drove him religiously, waiting outside until he was done. It had become the norm for us afterwards that we would go to what used to be our favorite restaurant and he would tell me about his progress as we ate lunch. However, on one particular day he had nothing to say as he sat almost nervously before me. "Jared…are you ok" I asked on more then one occasion and in response I would get the same shaky smile before he turned his eyes back towards his plate. I didn't know what was going on, but I had a feeling that it was something bad and something that I was not going to like once he told me. "Look…I know something bothering you" I spoke up again his irritation grating on my nerves. "So why don't you just tell me. Did something happen? Did you have a break through? What?"

He looked at me for a long time, those beautiful eyes searching my face for what I did not know before he opened his mouth and broke my heart yet again. "I want to go out tonight" He spoke with a stutter to his voice that made me smile for a moment and got my hopes up as well.

"Brilliant…" I chimed in. "We haven't been out in a long time. So where did you want to go. There's this club that we used to go to all the time or we could go to..."

"No…you don't understand" He cut me off, fidgeting nervously once again. "There's this girl…a women actually in my support group and she asked me out on a date" He hesitated before he continued, taking a deep breath before he did. "And the truth is that I find her very attractive and I would like to go out with her if you don't mind" He bit his bottom lip in a fashion that I used to find cute and endearing at one time, but at that very moment all I wanted to do was smash that lip with my first for allowing him to utter such hurtful words.

I thought of all the snappy and rude come backs I could have came up with, but as I looked up at him again and saw the look of hopefulness staring back at me I know that I could not. "An even better idea" I plastered that fake smile I was mastering like an art back on before shooting him a playful wink as I put on my best acting face. "When is this date of yours?" I asked, pretending that my heart wasn't bleeding into my gut as I continued to smile.

"Tonight…she's picking me up around eight" He replied, those eyes still trying to bore into my very soul.

"Well finish up then yeah…since we want to give you plenty of time to get ready for it" I smiled even wider, downing the rest of my beer before signaling for the waiter. We drove back home in silence, each of us disappearing into our rooms as the night beckoned for him, and became dreaded for me. I watched him leave from my bedroom window, his date a beautiful blonde with large breasts and too little clothing. I had to laugh for a moment as I looked her over, finding it ironic that at one time she would have been someone I would have been fucking like mad and then leaving in the wind. Instead I found myself broken hearted and hateful towards the man that I had given all the beautiful women of the world up for. I was a nervous wreck the entire couple of hours that Jared was gone, wondering what he was doing, where they had gone and if he was ok. It was his first true outing without his brother or me at his side and I was worried sick, like a child's mother that something horrible was going to happen.

I was nearly exhausted after a few too many beers and many trips back and forth throughout the entire house before Jared had come home. I was lying upon what used to be our bed, once again staring at the pictures I kept forever in my wallet. I was so lost within the memories of the past that I didn't even know he had come home, until I heard a gentle knock upon my bedroom door. "Hey…" He smiled at me once I had beckoned for him to enter, shoving the pictures under the extra pillow that used to house my lovers head when we shared that bed.

"Hey…" I smiled back, relived that he was back home in one piece, but fearful of what that beautiful smile staring back at me meant. "How was you date? Was it everything you thought it would be?" I laughed, it sounding hollow and fake, but he didn't seem to notice as he walked over towards the other side of the bed, sitting down beside me.

"It was an eye opening experience" He replied, shifting downward until he was laying on his side looking at me, his head resting upon his hand.

"Oh…tell me about it" I asked as I did the same, dreading the answer and needing to hear it just the same.

"All of this has been really hard on you hasn't it?" He asked me as those eyes that I loved to stare into probed my face. "This entire ordeal all I kept thinking about was how unfair this was that it happened to me, that I was the only one that was suffering because of it. But tonight as I was on this date with Ginger…I realized that I wasn't the only one that was suffering …but that you are as well"

"Doesn't matter about me" I assured. "All that matters is getting you well enough again" I found that I meant those words despite that fact that my world had been entirely fucked up as well.

"I'm so sorry Colin for not once thinking about your feelings in all this" he ignored my words as he continued on. "How callus of me to even think about going on a date with a women when after everything I've seen and been told I knew you and I had shared a life together before this all happened. You have no idea how sorry I am for hurting you the way that I did…because you've been amazing with all that has been going on" His words touched and broke my heart at the same time.

"Jared please…" I chocked up as I tried to control my seemingly uncontrollable tears.

"I remembered something at the end of my date tonight as she and I shared a goodnight kiss" He began again, reaching out and wiping a stray tear away from my cheek.

"That's wonderful. What was it?" I questioned the heat of his fingers still blazing across my cheek as he wiped yet another tear away.

"This…" He replied, as he cupped my face between his two hands before leaning over and placing a soft and simple kiss upon my lips.

"I don't understand…" I blurted out like an idiot once he pulled back, my heart racing so fast I felt dizzy from it.

"There we were kissing and this memory hit me so hard and so fast that it literally took my breath away" He smiled at me, his hands still upon my face as he continued to talk cryptically. "Kissing Ginger after that just felt wrong and I took a cab home as fast as I could to tell you about it"

"What…what?" I demanded, my breath hitched, my chest feeling as if it were going to explode.

"Our first kiss" His smile grew even wider, his eyes softening as he recalled the memory again. "You told me that our first time was a drunken rush…but not that first kiss" He went on, shifting his body closer until we were pressing together. "That first kiss was anything but rushed as we were horsing around in your dressing room one day before shooting. You were trying hard to pin me to the ground, but I somehow pinned you and before I knew what I was doing I had leaned down and kissed you. I could remember the look on your face as clear as day as I waited for you to pound me for doing what I had done, but instead you grabbed onto the back of my neck and pulled me down for another kiss. It was so amazing and hot rolled into one and it probably would have gone further if not for rolling over and knocking a makeup tray over, it making quite a ruckus as I recall. It sobered us up real quick as we jumped apart" He was laughing and smiling as tears glistened within his own eyes. "I remember you Colin or at least some of you…because for awhile there I was beginning to think that you had made everything up" He laughed again, but I cut him off as I pulled him into my arms, crushing the breath from him as it ghosted across my bare shoulder from the impact.

"Thank you…thank you" I said lamely as I continued to hold him tightly within my arms. "Thank you for remembering me…finally" I laughed myself as I released him, gazing down at him with such love and happiness. "Because I was beginning to think that I had made everything up myself as well"

"Kiss me again Colin. Just like that night" He whispered, his face flush and reddened as he traced the tips of his fingertips across my chin and lips.

"Are you sure Jared?" I asked fearfully, my hands trembling terribly. "Maybe it's too much. I mean what if it sickens you or…"

"Only on way to find out" He had an evil glint within his eye as he pounced forward, pining me to my back before capturing my lips under his own. I didn't remain dominant for long as I rolled us over until he was on his back, invading his mouth with my tongue in hopes that he didn't get repulsed and try to bite it off. He didn't. In fact he gave as good as I did as the two of us made out like love sick teenagers. I couldn't believe that what had happed had truly happened because I had been fearful that Jared would never remember me, but as we continued to snog the very breath from each others bodies, I was determined to make sure that he never forgot me again. "Whoa…now that was amazing" He panted for breath once we were forced to break our lip lock.

"Bloody amazing…" I concurred as I leaned down and nipped playfully at his chin dying for more then simple kissing, but knowing that he was far from ready for the things that I wanted to do to his body. "You've made me so happy tonight Jared" I whispered, smiling shyly as I cupped his cheek within my hand. "I was so afraid that you would remember everything in your life except me"

"I don't know why it took me so long, but if everything about our life is as wonderful as those kisses…then I am going to try like hell to remember everything about our life together a hell of a lot faster" He smiled, leaning up to kiss me, only to pull back in confusion when I didn't kiss him back. "Colin…what's wrong?" I swallowed hard, slinking away from Jared as I laid beside him staring up at the ceiling. "Colin…you're scaring me" I could hear the fear in his voice as he sat up and waited for me to respond.

"Everything wasn't always wonderful" I spoke in a dead tone as I too sat up, leaning against the headboard for support. "At least not right before the accident"

"I don't understand" I could read the fear and uncertainty in his face, his body becoming taunt and rigid.

Closing my eyes, I took a few deep breaths before I spoke in hopes that it would bring me the courage to tell him the truth. "I love you Jared…you have to believe me when I say that I've never loved anyone as much as I love you and I've been faithful to you every step of the way. You have made me happier then I've ever thought possible…and for a long time you were happy as well…but then something changed" I gauged his reaction before I continued again. He still carried a look of fear, but he said nothing as he gave me a nod of encouragement. "You made me totally happy…but even though I knew I loved you and wanted to be with you…I was still afraid"

"What were you afraid of?" He asked, biting at his lower lip as he always did when he was nervous.

"Afraid that someone would find out. That it would end my acting career. I was afraid that the press would have a field day when they found out that the movie star known as Colin Farrell was not only gay, but in love with another huge star. I just always assumed that there would always be more time…time for me to get over this fear and live the life with you that I always planned. I hurt you because of this fear as I took on project after project that kept me away from you…despite the fact that it was nearly killing me to do so. You hated it…hated me and I knew it and yet I did nothing" The emotion of expelling the truth was almost too much as I began to sob, my heart breaking as he continued to sit before me seeming to take everything I had said in. "Your accident was all my fault because I once again put a movie deadline above you. It was the night of our anniversary and instead of being at your side as we celebrated with our friends and loved ones…I was sitting in a hotel room feeling sorry for myself because you were angry with me and didn't understand what I was feeling. You've always been so open about yourself and as much as I tried to be like you…I could never be the man you wanted me to be. I'm so sorry Jared. This is my entire fault. None of this would have happened to you if I had been man enough to stand up for the love that I hold for you. I've fucked up…but I promise to do everything in my power to prove to you that you mean everything me" My heartbreak went up another notch as I leaned forward and buried my head within my hands, expelling the painful truths that had been locked up for far to long.

I expected him to get up and leave, beat me with his fists until he had exercised his pain; instead I got the complete opposite as his arms encircled me. His touch only seemed to spark another wave of emotion within me as I cried like I had never cried before, expelling every demon lodged deep within my soul. Afterwards I was too exhausted to do anything else but allow him to lay the two of us across the expanse of the bed. We laid there afterwards in the silence, eyes locked as we each dealt with those demons. "I figured that something had happened between us" He broke the silence, turning onto his side as he lay before me.

"How?"

"The photo albums…" He explained. "At the beginning each one was filled with hundreds and hundreds of pictures of us together…but as I went through the last couple I noticed that there were fewer and fewer. There were lots of pictures of me…Shannon and even Eamon…but hardly any of you"

"Can you ever forgive me Jared, for what I did to you?" I questioned him, my breath held as I awaited his response.

"You've admitted you fucked up and that's the first step" He replied, leaning his forehead upon my own as he gazed directly into my eyes. "I don't remember any of what you told me…but I can tell by your eyes that you truly do love me and for that I will forgive you. We've been given a second chance…lets not blow it by trying to rehash this old crap from the past" The smile he shared with me was brilliant as he leaned in and kissed me, sealing our bond of renewal forever, but fate stepped in and shit all over that idea once again not a few weeks later.

Everything after that went pretty much back to normal if you will, considering that the man that I loved only remembered a small part of the former life we had shared together. Jared seem to accept the fact that he was gay and despite the fact that he couldn't tell me that he loved me, he felt comfortable enough to tell me that he did have feelings for me. It wasn't anything close to what we had had before, but I wasn't willing to spite it because at least in part I still had the man I loved in my life. He was more affectionate and loving towards me and I didn't spare him a moment's peace where I wasn't touching him or kissing him. I couldn't get enough of him and he truly didn't seem to mind. We hadn't had sex yet, or anything even close to sex, but I was patient even if my balls were turning all shades of blue from it. We had discussed it quite thoroughly several times after that breakthrough night, but he wasn't ready and promised to let me know once he was.

The truce that Shannon and I had built was slowly crumbling to the ground with each day that passed and I got closer to his brother. He still felt that I was going to end up hurting him in the end, when nothing was farther from the truth. The fact was that I had more chance of getting hurt by Jared if one day he just decided that he didn't want to be with me anymore or wanted to start a new life with new memories. He was determined to split us up and managed to do so eventually and the fucking sad part was that when he did it, it had been by pure accident.

Jared and Shannon had been upstairs going through some of Jared's thing, still trying to jog his memory with anything that they could find. I was down stairs with Eamon, gloating to my brother about how my life was finally getting back on track. It was a glorious day as later they came down stairs and we shared a somewhat nice lunch together, with just a few mutterings from Shannon each time that I remotely touched his brother in any way. Afterwards Shannon and Eamon left, leaving Jared and I alone for the first time all day. I was ready for some snuggling and some kissing, but Jared begged off for the moment pulling out a leather bound journal that Shannon had found hidden within a chest of drawers in our room. I knew that journal well for I had bought it for Jared in an open air market one day as we were sight seeing in Marrakesh many years before. I figured that he would use it to jot down ideas for songs or such for his band, what I didn't know was that not only did he use it for that, but that he used it as a diary of sorts as well. He kissed me quite soundly before sending me on my way with promises of more later that night.

I kept myself busy while Jared sat in the living room reading through his journal, but hours later when I still hadn't seen or heard a word from him, I decided to check on him. "Hey…" I said as I entered the room with a smile, it disappearing the moment that I got a look at his face. "What's wrong?" I asked immediately as a flush came to his cheeks, his eyes flashing something that I could not quite understand.

He didn't say anything for what felt like ages as I continued to stand before him petrified of what else could possible happen between the two of us. "You said that you've been totally faithful to me the entire time that we've been together…is that true?" He asked, clutching the journal he had been reading so tightly within his hands that his knuckles were red and bulging from the pressure.

"Of course it's true…no matter what your fucking brother might have told you" I sat heavily upon the sofa beside him, wrenching his hand from the book as I held it within my own. "I only strayed that one time…well twice" I corrected, staring into his eyes to prove the truth to my words. "But that was at the very beginning when everything was so new and confusing. I told you about this already Jared…don't you believe me?" I questioned, the fear from the pit of my stomach edging its way up into my throat. "Why would you ask me that? I promised you from then on that I would be faithful to you…that I would love only you and I've kept that vow all these years because I've never wanted anyone else in the way that I always want you. I love you Jared…nothing can change that" I knew that I was babbling, but I just couldn't help myself.

"I believe you and I believe that you love me…but after you read this you may not love me any longer" He spoke softly, his eyes downcast as he handed the journal to me.

"Read what?" I asked, playing stupid because I really didn't want to know what Jared had written in there out of stone cold fear. "I don't want to read any of this. What say we go to bed because as I recall you promised me a bit of fun later" I handed the journal back to him, trying to get up but he would not allow it.

"Colin please…" He begged, urging me back down as he once again placed the journal into my lap. "You need to read this…you need to know the truth because even though I don't remember any of this…you should know the truth just the same"

"Ok…" Was all I could say as I stared down at the white page loaded with words, words that I knew were going to decimate the already delicate balance recreated between Jared and I since his accident. I felt Jared slide away from me as I began to read, sensing more then seeing him pace behind me as I began to read.

Journal Entry…

I've been cheating on the man that I love with my entire heart and soul. I slept with a man that I could never love out of spite and anger after Colin called off a trip to visit me once again. It was another excuse. One of the many that have been blending into one over the course of the last few years, but it was the one that pushed me over the brink today. I feel as if my heart is breaking, for it is in that I broke the vow that we made to each other to love and be faithful so long ago and yet at the same time a simple spark of anger still flickers through my pain. I am mixed and torn as to how I should really feel, because the truth is I don't know if Colin truly loves me as he says that he still does. We are never together and even when he finds the time to grace me with his presence, I am always so full of anger and upset at his avoidance that I enjoy nothing of this time he pretends to share with me.

I never meant to cheat on Colin, but it happened just the same and worse yet I fear that it will continue to happen again and again. I may love him, but his absence has left such a huge hole within my soul that I feel I must fill by another. I am alone, always alone and he can't or refuses to see that I am. He constantly tells me that there will always be more time, time for us to be together, to ignore the worlds perception of two men in love, and to be out and open about it, but I know that will never happen. He feels that I don't understand his fear, but I do, I just don't care any longer. It's been nearly five years and where it was beautiful and amazing at the beginning, I just feel alone and numb now. The fact is that I think the flame which once used to burn so bright between us has died and yet neither of us is willing to see what is so plainly before our very eyes. It's over…it's time to free the two of us from this beautiful bond that has turned into a chain of hell.

I was stunned as I read onto the next entry

Journal Entry…

Elijah's asked me to move in with him. We've been seeing each other for months now and he feels ready to move into the next step of his life with me. He's not afraid of being open about his gayness and the fact that he loves me, and I really do believe that he loves me. The problem is that I don't love him any where as much as I love Colin, but he accepts that. I've been avoiding his question with each meeting, each rendezvous that ends up being a sexual escape as to how much I miss Colin, but tonight after making a appearance at the anniversary party thrown by our friends and family, I will answer him once and for all.

I told Colin that it was over tonight on the phone, but I don't think that he believed me. He feels as if I will wait for him forever and at one time I thought that true myself, but not any longer. I can't wait anymore because it's all I seem to do when it comes to him. It's always about him and never about me and I just can't deal with that anymore. Shannon and Eamon have been amazing as I've fought over this decision and they have promised to stand by me every step of the way. I feel as if my life is over and yet at the same time there is a newness of starting over that I know will help to ease some of my pain.

I love you Colin James Farrell and I always will. I just wish that you could love me as much as you love your precious career.

End Journal Entry…

Tears bled from my eyes silently as I shoved the book off of my lap as if it had scalded me. I couldn't speak, couldn't do much of anything as I leaned forward, hiding my head within my hands and lost my very sanity. I sobbed the very contents of my broken heart out right there before him, to numb to do much else. I couldn't believe that the man that I had loved with my entire being had not only had an affair with another man but was leaving me for him as well. He was a man that that had been what I would call friend and a frequent visitor to our home several times in the years that Jared and I had been together. "How could you?" I screamed, jumping up at I trudged over towards the silent man leaning against the wall behind him. "How could you fucking do this to me?" My words got louder; more forceful as I clenched my fists at my side, tempted to beat the living shit out of him.

"I don't know. I don't remember any of it" He spoke in barely a whisper as he cowered before me. "I'm so sorry…so sorry" He sobbed, closing his eyes as he waited for me to deliver the blows intended.

"Get out…" I hollered instead, storming across the room in order to put some space between us because although I knew Jared had no memory of his betrayal, it was hard to remember that as the same man stared back guiltily at me.

"Colin please…" He begged, walking over towards me, stopping short when I stalked away again before he had a chance to reach me.

"Please go…please get the fuck out before I do something I regret" I demanded, punching the wall aside me as if to prove my point. "You can't be here any longer…I don't want you here any longer"

"Where do you want me to go?" He asked, sounding so much like a child that I felt bad for him for about a second before the anger took over me once again.

"I don't give a fuck" I screamed at him in full fledged madness. "Go back to your fucking Elijah, who you haven't seen once since your accident" I reminded rudely. "Or better yet go and live with your fucking brother because you two bastards fucking deserve each other" I didn't give him a chance to respond and he didn't seem to have one as I ran out of the room, and into the bedroom that we had been sharing, slamming the door loudly behind me. The room didn't have a chance as I ripped it to shreds, breaking and ripping everything in my path. Once I was done I fell to the bed exhausted as I finally allowed the anger to release itself, the bone crushing pain of betrayal replacing it just as quickly.

I was so emotionally exhausted that I must have fallen asleep because I woke up the next morning with a killer headache and a pair of eyes watching my every move as he sat off across the room from me. "What the fuck are you doing here?" I ground out, not really caring for the answer as I got up and took a badly needed piss.

"Jared called me last night and told me everything that happened. I thought that I would come over and…"

"You thought that you would come over and what?" I cut him off as I reentered the room, standing before him with my hands on my hips as I fought the urge to beat the fucking shit out of him. "You knew. You knew this entire fucking time. Hell…you even helped him and now what, you are here to tell me how fucking stupid I was to kick him out" My words were loud and echoed across my temple as I once again walked away from the man whom seemed to be tongued tied at the very moment. "You betrayed me again Eamon" I couldn't hide the hurt in my voice as I turned to face him once again. "You knew that he was cheating on me. Jesus you aided him in leaving me and look what happened. I can't even believe that you have the fucking nerve to show you face here after everything you have done to me" I laid done on the bed, trying to control the tears that just never seemed to want to end, but I was unsuccessful just the same. "Where is he?" I asked, not wanting to care but unable to stop myself.

"He staying at Shannon's" Eamon finally found his voice as he continued to sit across from me. "He wanted me to come over and check on you to make sure that you were alright"

"Do I look like I am fucking alright" I cried out, sitting up so my brother could get a full look at the train wreck that I had become. "I feel like my entire world has been fucking blown apart. It was bad enough that I nearly lost Jared in an accident, but then I have to learn that I had lost him anyways to another and you fucking knew about it. So no Eamon…I am anything but alright. Just go…get out" I demanded, sliding off of the bed as I grabbed onto his arm and tried to force him out of my room.

"Why…so I can leave you alone to do something stupid to yourself?" He bit out, jerking his arm away as he got up to face me. "Yes Colin…I fucked up. I knew that Jared was seeing someone and I knew that he was going to leave you…but you seem to forget why all this happened in the first place. It was because you fucked up that he decided to leave you. You pushed him away. You made him feel as if you didn't give two shits about him anymore and that's why he left. You want to feel sorry for yourself then go ahead because you deserve some of it…but remember Jared in your little pity party. He remembers none of it, only knows what he read in that journal, but it's killing him to know that he hurt you now. You've been given a second chance, the two of you and if you want to throw that away because your pride has been hurt then go right ahead. If you can't move past your wounded pride and embrace this second chance you've been given then you don't fucking deserve him" I watched him leave, unable to even comprehend his words as I allowed the emotional exhaustion to consume me once again.

I actually wallowed in my pity for nearly a week afterwards. I didn't care about anything, only that I had been betrayed by the people who had meant the world to me. I knew that in large part I was to blame for most of my misery, but my muddled mind didn't want to comprehend that part right off. I was content to wallow in my party of pain, but then one day as I entered the living room, I found the journal still lying on the rug from where I had tossed it that horrible night. I stared at it for a long time before I actually got the nerve to pick it up, holding it within my hands for a long time more before opening it to the beginning and reading it clear through to the end. By the time I was done reading it, I could fully understand why it was that Jared questioned my love for him and why he felt he had to leave me. The plain and simple fact forever written in ink was that I had been a right bastard to him and no matter how I tried to make excuses for myself; I quickly found that there were none to make. I knew in my heart that I loved Jared with all that I was, but with each cancelled trip, each excuse not to see him, I proved to him the exact opposite. The words weren't enough for him, at least not towards the end, because he wanted to see it in tangent proof and I gave him everything but what he needed most. After that the anger and the grief wore off only to be replaced by flat out shame. It was that shame that kept me from going after the man that I still loved for another five days.

I was a nervous wreck as I stood outside Shannon's apartment, my hands shaking so badly that I didn't even think that I could lift them up to ring the bell. I walked that hallway several times before I finally found the nerve to face the person who had every right to hate my fucking guts. Taking a deep breath, I rang the bell, praying to any god that would listen that Jared would answer the door instead of Shannon. It seemed that none were listening to me that day as the door swung open and there I was standing face to face with none other then the one person on the entire planet that hated every little thing about me. He didn't say a word to me at first, but his blazing eyes and clenching fists told me everything that I needed to know.

"I need to see Jared" I spoke, trying to not sound nervous, but failing miserably just the same.

"Over my dead body" He ground out, clenching his fists once again into balls of solid hate.

"That can be arranged" I shot right back, my nervousness gone entirely as I prepared for battle one of my fight to win Jared back. "I don't give a shit what you think or say anymore Shannon. I want to see Jared and it will be only he that will kick my ass out of here if that be the case"

"Now that's where you would be wrong Colin" I heard another voice speak from behind Shannon. I watched a Matt, a member of their band squeeze himself within the door frame, blocking me completely from entering.

I should have been shocked by what I saw, but I knew Matt and the yet to be seen Tomo almost as well as I knew Shannon and I knew how protective they were of their leader. I was about to lose my mind as I prepared for the fight of my life, but then another voice raised up behind them and before I knew what was happening they were pushed aside by an unseen force and then I was being jerked inside. "Sit the fuck down the two of you" Tomo cried out as he continued to pull me along, until I was behind him in the middle of Shannon's apartment.

"What the fuck are you doing T?" I heard Shannon cry out in full anger.

"You heard Jared from before. He's wanted to talk to Colin since that night. You two need to get over your fucking selves and…" I didn't hear another word as I felt a hand grab onto my own from behind. Turing, I found Jared standing behind me, increasing the hold upon my hand as he nodded down the hallways. I followed without saying a word as he led me into a bedroom, releasing my hand as he closed the door behind us.

Silence surrounded us for a bit, but then it got to be to much as we both cried out "I'm sorry" at the same time.

"No…I'm sorry" We cried out again.

"No…me" Again like a broken record until we fell into uneasy laughter.

"Oh Jesus Jared" I forged forward as I pulled him into my arms and crushed him into my chest. "I'm so fucking sorry"

"I know me too" He whispered against my neck as he wrapped his arms around them, drawing me in tighter. "I know" It was as if a peace of sorts fell over us as we continued to hold each other, tears of pain and promise of a new beginning raining over us. Eventually, we broke apart deciding to take a walk on the beach as to talk out our problems and how we could solve them. I could feel Shannon's eyes burning into the back of my head as we walked along the private beach, my suspicions confirmed and then some as Matt and Tomo stood out on the balcony watching us as well. I didn't care, because I knew that eventually I would have to make my peace with them, but first and most important was proving to Jared that I still loved him and wanted to remain together.

We walked for a long time, side by side, surrounded by an uncomfortable silence that was killing me slowly with each step. I knew someone had to break the ice and so I did as I reached over and took his dangling hand. He didn't say anything as he looked over at me and then our intertwined hands, but the smile upon his face put me at ease as the silence surrounded us once again. "We have to talk eventually" I finally spoke up moments later as I tugged us to a stop. "I have so much to say to you Jared and no fucking idea where to start" I said the truth as I fell frustrated to the sand below, watching as he did the same.

"I know and maybe I should start since after that night I remembered something else. It was rather large and startling…but I've been dying to share it with you since" His voice was sad and soft and I feared that what he had to say was going to be sad and painful to hear as well.

"Ok…" I swallowed hard, placing my hands within my lap as I waited for him to begin.

"I pretty much have my entire memory back when it comes to you…when it comes to us" He started, looking out over the ocean.

"That wonderful Jared" I beamed, my heartbeat picking up a bit in true happiness.

"I remember everything Colin" He continued, looking over at me with such a serious look upon his face that my full heart nearly died. "Even the bad times"

"Oh…" Was all I could say, my palms beginning to sweat as I fought the urge to dig into my trousers for my always present fags.

"I remember loving you so much at the beginning and thinking that nothing could ever come between the two of us. From that first moment that we made love…sober" He shared a small smile at me before beginning again. "I used to think I had found my soul mate…the one that I was meant to be with until death do us part. I remember feeling secure and loved and that nothing in the world could hurt me or touch me as long as you were beside me and it made me so happy Colin" Tears glistened within his eyes, one lone tear bleeding it's way down his cheek as he closed them while taking a deep breath. "But then the memories of loneliness and hurt replaced those feelings. I remembered the first time that you cancelled a trip home to see me and how hurt and disappointed I was. I could recall how that hurt grew with each cancellation, eventually turning into fear that my dream was coming to an end. I no longer felt as if the world couldn't touch me because it was the fucking world that you were afraid of. I also knew that if push came to shove and you had to choose between the world and me that I would lose without question" I could hear the anger in his voice as it rose a few decibels and yet I said nothing for I knew he had to say his peace before I could speak mine. "I fought it for as long as I could Colin…but eventually it just became to hard to fight anymore. I felt alone and scared and I hated that feeling. So when Elijah walked back into my life I allowed him to fill the void"

"How did it happen?" I questioned my voice low as I fought like hell to control the wobble there. "With Elijah?" I didn't know why I wanted to know, but for some reason I had to.

"You already know that we had been friends before hand" He answered, staring at the sand at his feet. "It just happened. It wasn't planned. You have to believe me that I never meant to cheat on you…but it happened just the same so I guess it really doesn't matter anymore" He replied on a whisper that I had to fight to hear. I knew he was hurting at that moment, knew that he was scared and for his support as well as my own I reached over and clutched his hand. He looked up at me with wide eyes and with a nod of encouragement he began his tale again. "He had just come back from a shoot in England and called me up for a drink. You had just phoned me not more then an hour before hand to cancel a trip that I had planned to see you. I don't recall the excuse you gave…but I was upset and hurting and spending some time with a friend was just what I needed. We met up at some bar he had given me directions too and we just talked for hours. We both had gotten pretty wasted after awhile and took a cab back to his place. I didn't mean for it to happen…you have to believe me" He stopped, his breathing hitched as he began to cry earnestly.

"I believe you and I'm not angry…not anymore" I soothed him as I squeezed his hand still within my own before bringing it to my lips and placing a simple kiss upon it. "I just need to know"

That seemed to help him as he took a deep breath before starting again. "We had a few more drinks and then he offered to put me up for the night. He wanted to set me up in a spare bedroom…but I didn't want to be alone. I convinced him to let me sleep in his room and then I threw myself at him" He was nearly sobbing at that point and so was I as we fell into each others arms. "He fought me…really he did…but I was persistent. The next morning he told me that what we had done was wrong and that I should tell you what had happened…but I was so ashamed. I didn't speak to Elijah for weeks after that night in hopes of forgetting it and moving on…but then you'd cancelled one trip and then another and then another. I was so devastated and alone that I found myself at Elijah's again. We began to see each other after that and then he asked me to leave you and move in with him. I wasn't ready for that just yet. I wasn't ready to give up on us and with our five year anniversary looming ahead of us…I was hoping for a fresh start and…"

"And then I called and cancelled…thus making your decision quite clear" I finished for him, pulling away in order to put some distance between us.

"Yeah…" He sniffled, biting at his bottom lip as tears continued to slide down his handsome face. "I just want to feel the way I felt before when we first started. I want to feel loved and protected by you…the man that I've only ever loved. I'll do anything if you'll forgive me because now that I remember…I don't want to lose you again. Tell me what I have to do Colin. Tell me how I can get you to forgive me for betraying you"

"I can't give you forgiveness Jared" I began, my throat so thick and so raw from holding back my emotions that I felt I might vomit. "Because there is nothing for me to forgive you for. I pushed you to do what you did. I was paranoid and scared and because of it I pushed you away. I didn't even realize that I was pushing you away" I knew that was a bit of a stretch, but I corrected it. "I mean…it was more like putting us on the back burner because I knew that there would always be enough time later. The question is Jared…" I sobbed, biting my lip to control the emotions brewing deep within me. "Can you forgive me?"

"I think that we just forgave each other" He grinned up at me shyly as he reached over and cupped my face within his hands. "I love you Colin. I know that now and I can feel it with every cell in my body"

"You do?" I asked stupefied, unable to believe that I had finally heard the words from him his mouth that I had longed to hear since he had come back to me. "Really?"

"Really" He giggled, then shrieked as I lunged forward, knocking him onto his back before attacking his beautiful lips with my own.

"I…Love…You…Too" I exclaimed between fitful kisses that I knew I would never get tired of. We were so into our moment of forgiveness that neither one of us heard them. However…Jared happened to catch one out of the corner of his eye and then everything fell into madness from there. A familiar sound drifted across my ears as I sat up and found us surrounded by a swarm of photographer. I wasn't sure how they had found out about us, but they were there just the same and I knew that I had to make some crucial decisions, knowing that the wrong one could be the final blow to Jared and I.

"Who are they?" Jared asked fearfully, clutching at my arm as we stood before them as if for dear life. I felt horrible for him because as much of his memory that he was getting back, when it came to his career and all that came along with it, he didn't remember much.

"Paparazzi…" I answered, placing my arm as his waist as I moved him behind me. "Back off you fucking animals. Give him some space. He's still recovering" I roared like a mother lion protecting her cub, ready to kill any of those fuckers as they continued to snap pictures of us, belting out all sorts of stupid fucking questions. "Come on baby…" I turned from them, wrapping my arm around Jared's trembling shoulders as we began to walk, then trot as fast as Jared's still somewhat unhealed body would let us. Reaching into my trousers I dialed Shannon's number, still trying to protect Jared from the swam of buzzards that would not leave us alone. "Paparazzi…get the fuck out here now" I demanded once someone answered the phone, stuffing it back in my pocket once I was done. I knew my message had been received as Shannon, Tomo and Matt all raced down the beach, Shannon with a blanket held within his hands. With quick wit, they wrapped Jared within the blanket, Shannon tossing him over his shoulder with the ease of nothing before racing back in the direction they had come. I could have kicked myself for not thinking of picking him up like that myself, but I pushed those thoughts away as I raced after the three in full protective mode of their leader.

"What the fuck was that?" Jared questioned me frantically, jumping into my arms as I entered the apartment. "What did they want?" I could feel his entire body shaking as he clung to me almost desperately.

"They were looking for their next big pay off and boy did they find it" I laughed uneasily, wrapping my arms even tighter around his waist as I buried my face within his neck. "Are you ok? You're not hurt are you?" I asked, pulling back as I took a once over to make sure that he was in fact ok.

"I'm ok…" He replied, his eyes still wide and frantic. "OMG…they got pictures of us hugging…of us kissing. Oh Jesus Colin…I am so sorry" He burst out, pushing away from me as he began to pace the living area.

"Do you think I give a shit about what those assholes have on us? Because I don't…not anymore" I assured, pulling him back into my arms because I needed to feel his warmth against me once again. "I love you Jared and nothing is more important then that. I may have lost you once because of my fear of the world finding out…but now I want the world…no the entire fucking planet to know that I have you back and I won't ever let you go again" I exclaimed loudly, finding for the first time ever that I meant every single word. "I love you so much baby" I whispered against his ear before pulling back and sealing my truth with a simple kiss.

"I love you too…" He smiled up at me as we broke our kiss, turning to face the audience of three we had forgotten about.

"Aw hell…I love you both too" I heard Matt pipe up before rushing over and wrapping his arms around the two of us.

"I think that I am going to cry" Tomo sniffled and I honestly couldn't tell if he was serious or not, but it didn't matter as he too joined our circle of love.

Then it was Shannon standing alone as he stood uncomfortably before us. I could see the confusion on his face and it caused me to smile inwardly because without even saying a word to him, I knew I had begun to crack his hard shell. Jared on the other hand was tense as he too watched his brother, his hand gripping the back of my shirt tighter and tighter with each second that passed. I knew I had to break the ice as I took a deep breath and hollered out across the room. "Come on Shannon you know that you love me. Now get your ass over here and hug me" The joke went over like a lead balloon as the other two bodies surrounding me stiffened as well.

"You fucking hurt him again and you'll be feeling anything but love asshole" He belted out before rushing over and diving into our circle of love. I could feel Jared's body relax as he left my side for a moment in order to hug his brother properly. It was a wondrous moment and one that made my heart swell with love as I watched them smiling and laughing with each other. I smiled down at Jared as he wrapped himself around my body again, before turning back towards my one time worst enemy. I watched as he held out his hand towards me, only to push it away as I pulled him into an embrace with my free arm. It was such a wonderful moment and one that I would cherish for always and yet I knew that there were more trials and tribulations to face ahead. Amazingly I realized that I didn't care what was in store for us next, because I had the only person who meant anything to me back in my life fully and keeping him loved and happy were the only two things in the world that were of any importance.

The police were called after that and I have to admit I never enjoyed something so much as watching the paparazzi literally being dragged kicking and screaming off of the property. Afterwards we all shared a pizza before breaking off into our separate groups. "Alone at last" Jared grinned evilly at me after we entered the room he had been staying in. I couldn't help but laugh as he locked the door behind him, before sailing across the room and into my waiting arms. He both fell hard onto the bed behind us, as we began to kiss so frantically that nothing else mattered. I had to pull away eventually because I found it almost impossible to breath for a moment there and I knew it was from my extreme happiness and those amazing kisses that Jared continued to plant upon me. "You ok?" He asked, winded himself as he lay on top of me, his hands lying on the bed on each side of my head.

"Bloody brilliant" I beamed up at him, my breath still coming in hard pants. "You can't ever know how happy you have made me today baby" I said truthfully, laying my hand atop his back tracing it upwards before cupping his neck and bringing him down for another mind blowing snog.

"Show me…"

"What?" I sputtered, pushing him away for some reason because I needed some badly needed space. "Jared…no" I went on jumping off of the bed altogether as I dug into my trouser pockets in search of a badly needed cigarette. "It's too soon and you're still recovering" I spoke around the fag in my mouth.

"You mean you don't want me?" He pouted and for a moment I thought he was serious, but the glint in his eye told me otherwise.

"Jared…" I warned with no real threat behind it, licking my lips as I watched him slide his hands up under his shirt, yanking it off quickly before tossing it across the room at me.

"Well…maybe you don't want me. I mean who would want this" He said as he looked down at his body covered with various scars of different shapes and sizes and that time I knew he was serious as he got up off of the bed and went in search of his shirt.

I could have cared less about those scars because they were a part of Jared and only added to his character there was also the fact that they were proof that he had survived near death in order to be in that room with me and that made them even more important. I knew that mere words were not going to be enough to prove to him that they didn't matter and so I took a different measure. "Take your trousers off" I demanded, ripping my shirt from my body before working on the zipper of my own pants.

"What?" He sounded shocked as he set large and frightful eyes upon me.

"I said take off your trousers" I repeated, kicking off my shoes before my pants fell to my ankles. "No…well then it looks like I will have to remove them for you" I grinned evilly at him as I strode completely nude over to him, wrapping him within my arms before covering his protesting mouth with my lips. "I love you" I ground out, pushing him back some so he could see the truth in my eyes as I spoke once I broke our kiss. "I love you and that includes every fucking scrape and scar. Do you hear me?" I asked, shaking him slightly for effort to keep his attention. "I love what's here…" I pointed to his chest before leaning in and placing a kiss above his heart. "I also love what's here" I drew my tongue down his heaving chest, placing a small kiss upon a particularly large purple scar upon his stomach. "As well as what's here" My evil grin returned as I knelt before him, making quick work of his zipper before he could utter a word in reply. I had to admit that I was fully relieved to learn that his perfect penis was still in tact, waving fully and beautifully before me. "Oh yeah…I really love what's here" I teased before literally lunging forward and inhaling it into my mouth.

"Oh God Colin…" He called out, gripping onto my shoulders so hard for support that I had to fight the urge to cry out from the pain. However, that pain soon faded as I continued to taste and explore his manhood. I had forgotten how much I loved the taste and the texture as it slide across my tongue to the back of my throat and then back again. I loved Jared with all my heart, but I had to admit that a large part of that love was because he was extremely well hung. It was common knowledge in the industry that we were both well endowed and before the accident we used to joke that we were the only ones who could truly handle the others manhood. I knew that he wasn't going to last long as he practically began to rip my hair out in chunks as he grabbed onto my head, so I gave him a reprieve as I increased my suction, bringing him over the edge as he cried out my name.

"You ok?" I asked as I placed my hands around his wrists, winching slightly as I removed his hands from my hair.

"I can't feel anything" He replied softly, fear inhabiting me instantly that maybe we had taken things to far to fast. "Jesus…I feel amazing" His laughter peeled around us as I pushed him backwards onto the bed, slinking on top of him in the process.

"Oh yeah…are you ready to make me feel good now?" I teased, noticing the way that his smile disappeared and his body went taunt. "Hey…baby…I was only kidding. You don't have to if your not ready" I assured, smiling down at him, despite the fact that my prick felt as if it were about to explode from my body.

"No…I want to" He said timidly, staring up at me through crystal blue eyes that were just swimming with fear and unease. "I just don't know if I will make you feel as good as you made me feel. I remember being with you Colin…but I don't know if I remember how to…you know" He blushed, turning his face from me.

"Well let me tell you this and maybe it will help you" I chuckled, sliding off of him as I laid at his side. "You used to be one hell of an amazing cock sucker" I couldn't help but laugh even more at the shocked looked that he gave me, his blush deepening across his cheeks. "You used to practically suck me dry and then before I even had a chance to recover you were ready for more" I continued with my teasing tracing my hand down his quivering stomach before reaching over and taking his hand into my own. "I trust you Jared. I know that you won't hurt me…but you have to touch me baby or I might die" I added the dramatics, smiling broadly at his reaction as I placed his hand upon my rigid and weeping cock.

"Might die huh?" He repeated, rolling his eyes before rolling onto me.

"A slow and painful death" I droned on, it turning into a moan of pleasure as he slid down my body, falling to his knees on the floor before the bed, his hand still wrapped tightly around me. "Ahhh…that's it" I urged him on as he began to move his hand up and down in a slow motion. Rising up on my elbows I watched the way that he examined what he continued to stroke, eyeing it as if it were his last meal as he licked his lips sexily. I could tell that he was still nervous as he leaned forward, opening his mouth slowly as if trying to gauge how to make it fit. I couldn't help but smile, keeping my laughter to myself out of fear of spooking him. However, I don't think that he would have mattered to either one of us as he leaned forward and covered my oozing dick with his mouth. I stopped breathing in that moment, relishing the heated wetness as a surge of emotion washed over me. He fell into motion after that sucking me off with all that he was worth. I could tell that his memories were falling back into place as he began to torture and tease me in the ways I had remembered from before. I couldn't stop moaning his name with every swipe of tongue, every nibble and suck that brought me closer and closer to the edge. It wasn't long before I lost myself to the sensations, exploding long and screaming loud as he milked every ounce of cum from me that he could.

I couldn't move, couldn't speak as he shifted back onto the bed, lying beside me as we gazed at each other. "Hey…what are these for? It couldn't have been that bad since I was able to get you off" He joked with a smile as he reached out and wiped a few stray tears from my cheek. I couldn't say anything as I reached out and pulled him into my arms, kissing him in response. "I love you Colin…" He whispered against my ear, before snuggling even closer. He was asleep within moments as his warm breath whispered across my skin, soothing me in a way that I hadn't felt in forever. I laid there for quite a long time, just praying to the heavens above for giving me another chance with the man that I loved.

I woke up the next morning to the ringing of my cell phone, Jared still sleeping and plastered tightly against me. I really didn't want to answer it, didn't want to move, but my bladder said otherwise as I kissed him softly upon the cheek before slipping away from him. I ignored the phone for a moment, walking past it as I relieved myself, but I knew that the person on the other end wasn't going to give up anytime soon as I picked it up and exited the room. The house was still dark since it was still quite early. "Hello…" I spoke quietly into the phone as I walked into the kitchen, fumbling for the light before going in search of something to drink. ***fuck*** I thought to myself as my agents voice screeched at me and to say that she was pissed was an understatement. She wanted to know if I had seen the papers or the news that morning. I told her that I hadn't and attempted to defend myself and those pictures but she wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise.

I expected her to say that she would get her gaggle of lawyers and people to try and squash the pictures as fakes and put an end to the rumors that were sure to follow, but she did the complete opposite. Instead she told me that there was no way that she could kill the story that was spreading like wildfire throughout the media and internet and despite the fact that I was a bit fearful of what would happen to my career, for the most part I felt absolutely relived that our secret was out in the open once and for all. She threatened to drop me as a client and sue the pants off of me for putting her through what she was having to deal with, but then she changed her tactics once again as she told me that she was happy for me because he knew the hell that I had been through with Jared and that she would stand by my side throughout the barrage of shit that was about to hit the fan. I was stunned beyond belief as I continued to stand in the middle of the kitchen, trying to figure out when the women whom only cared about getting me film role after film role and filling her pockets with my earnings became a friend.

"Thank you…" Was all I could mutter, still in shock from everything.

"Don't thank me yet" Her voice boomed loudly, falling back into agent mode. "You still have to finish that movie. The director has been very patient while you were there for Jared's recovery…but his patience has worn thin. You need to be in Canada tomorrow Colin…without fail" I couldn't find the words to argue with her because I knew that she was right, but that didn't make it any easier to try and explain to Jared that after our happy reunion I would have to leave him again.

"I'm not joking Colin. I've already booked your flight and the car will pick you up at three. Are you listening to me? What time is the car coming to pick you up and where will you be tomorrow night?"

"I'll fucking be in Canada tomorrow night alright" I burst out loudly, hating the fucking games that she wanted to play. I didn't give her a chance to speak that time as I hung up the phone, nearly jumping out of my skin when I learned that I wasn't alone.

"I can already pin point the exact moment when you will break my brothers fucking heart" I heard Shannon speak venomously behind me. "I knew your act from last night was just that…a fucking act. You've only just gotten back together and now you are going to start pulling the same shit that you pulled on him before"

"Shannon…no" I attempted to speak, but Jared took that exact moment to enter the kitchen as well.

"Colin…" He spoke my name in confusion as he looked at his brother and then to me. "What's going on? What's he talking about?" I could hear the fear in his voice as I continued to stand there.

"What's going on is that your lover here is already making plans to leave you. He was just on the phone with what I can only assume was his agent and it seems that he is leaving for a trip to Canada today. Isn't that right Colin?" He questioned me, he staring at me with eyes full of evil as Jared stared at me with eyes full of sadness and fear.

"Is that right Colin? Are you leaving for Canada" Jared's voice was quivering as was his bottom lip as tears glistened within his eyes.

"Aye…" I replied, flinching at the look of pure anger that washed over Shannon as he wrapped his arm protectively around his brother's shoulder. Jared didn't say a word, but he didn't have to by the look of devastation plastered across his face as he leaned into his brother for support. "But it's not what you think Jared" I spoke up, taking a step towards them, but stopping short at the look of anger that I received from Jared that time. "I have to go and finish filming for the last film I was working on before your accident. The director's been very patient…but his patience has run out and…"

"And so your running out on him" Shannon cut me off, turning the two of them away from me as my anger turned into a full blown rage.

"I'm not fucking running out on him" I cried out madly, striding over towards the two of them, pushing Shannon away as I captured Jared's hands and jerked him towards me. "I have to go Jared…but I want you to come with me"

"What…" a chorus of voices echoed around us as both Jared and Shannon stared at me in shock.

I ignored Shannon as I tugged Jared a bit closer to me, placing my hands tenderly upon his arms. "It should only be a week or so before we are done and then I was thinking that we could go on a vacation" He didn't say anything as he started up at me blankly and so I continued. "You've gotten most of your memory back and now I think that it's really time to move on with our lives. I was thinking that we could go back to Ireland for a second honeymoon of sorts. We haven't been back in so long and I know that my family would love to see you again. They ask about you daily…especially me mum" I smiled at him, cupping his face. "We need some time to ourselves Jared. I told you yesterday that I would never leave you again no matter what and I plan to keep that vow. However…you are going to have to work with me as well and…"

"Yes…" He spoke up, all the fear and confusion from before gone and in its place a beautiful smile, his eyes loaded with love and confidence. "I say yes…but I won't be going to Canada with you"

"What…I don't understand" I rushed out, watching as he walked away from me and back towards his brother.

"You're going to go to Canada and finish your filming and I am going to stay here and spend some more time with my brother. You know…before you came back here yesterday we were working on my memory of the band and our music. You distracted me…not that it's hard when it comes to you" He teased me, a blush covering both of our faces. "Anways…" he brushed it off before continuing. "You go and finish your movie and then we can plan for our seconds honeymoon" The blush was back as he ran across the kitchen laughing like a young child as he leapt into my arms. "I love you and I trust you" He whispered against my ear before stealing a quick kiss. "We're going to make it this time Colin…I just know we are" I didn't know where his assuredness had come from all of a sudden and I didn't care because I knew as much as he did that we were in fact going to make it that time as well.

I went to Canada as expected and struggled through the filming without Jared at my side. I was miserable without him, calling him every chance that I got because I was desperate to hear his voice, desperate to know that he was ok. One week later I was on a plane and heading back to the man that I loved. He and the boys greeted me at the airport, where we put on one hell of a show for the paparazzi as I grabbed onto him and kissed him quite soundly. "Colin…the press" Jared whispered nervously against my ear once I had released his lips as I then pulled him into a hug.

"I don't give a fuck" I replied quite loudly as I smiled down at him. "I missed you god dammit and holding you…kissing you right now is more important then anything they have to say in the press"

"You really don't care anymore do you?" He asked, cupping my cheek as he smiled up at me with a smile so beautiful that it took my breath away.

"I really don't care anymore" And to prove my point I leaned him back and really gave them a show, only pulling back at the outbursts of the three tagalongs Jared had brought with him. "Yeah…I missed you bastards as well" I laughed as they jumped in on our fun, Shannon included.

"I guess that I owe you an apology" He spoke up as he stood at my side, shockingly a hint of a blush covering his face.

"Nah…some of it I actually deserved" I laughed happily over at him, letting go of Jared for a moment as I placed both hands on the side of his face before planting a big and wet kiss upon his shocked lips. "Now let's give them something to really write about" I laughed even louder, it increasing as he shot me a dirty look before wiping his hand across his mouth.

"Bastard…" He growled, punching me in the shoulder, but I could see the laughter behind his words and I knew right then and there that somehow I had cracked the tough exterior that was Shannon Leto.

"Let's get the fuck out of here" I announced, taking Jared's hand into my own as we began to walk out of the terminal. I tried to ignore the paparazzi for as long as I could, but they continued to harass us until I turned around and allowed them to take their fill of photos of Jared and I, the boys as well. I answered some of their questions about Jared and myself, standing back when they seemed to be more concerned about Jared's recovery then the fact that we were out in public together. He handled himself like an almost seasoned pro, but not once did he ever let go of my hand that he clutched tightly onto. After some time we bid them goodbye and headed back to Shannon's place.

Jared and I spent another week in California before boarding a specially chartered plane for our trip to Ireland. I was excited to be going back home, but even more excited about the fact that I would be spending it with the man that I loved. He was a bundle of nervous energy the entire long trip, talking my ear off, pacing and anything else he could think of to keep him busy. I couldn't keep the smile off of my face because it was right then and there that I knew I pretty much had my Jared back. I had learned that during the week that I was gone, he and Shannon had worked extensively on trying to regain his memories of the band and their music. He remembered some aspects, his beloved guitar, the big white tour bus that they used to travel quite frequently, but he couldn't remember the music. I could feel his frustration as he told me that even after listening to their first two albums it felt as if it were someone else's music. I had to practically force him to bring his guitar and music with him, unbeknownst to him that I was flying Shannon and the boys in two weeks later so they could continue to work with him. I had everything planned to perfection, even renting out a small recording studio with everything that they would need to work on their music. I knew that Jared was frustrated, but I also knew how much he lived for the words and the music and it was just a matter of finding it wherever it was hidden in that mind of his.

"Would you sit down already" I chuckled as Jared walked past me for what felt like the twentieth time.

"Tell me about Ireland and your family" He sighed, falling into the seat beside me before taking my hand into his own. "I can only remember vague things from our last trip"

"Like what?" I asked playfully as I brought his hand to my mouth, kissing the tip of each finger before drawing one into my mouth and sucking on it.

"Um…" He uttered, distracted as I continued with my finger play. "I remember a big house and your mother always forcing us to eat" He laughed, but that laugh quickly ended as I sucked yet another finger into my eager mouth. "Colin…oh god" His mouth hung open, his eyes partially closed as I slide my tongue from his fingers, across his palm and up his arm.

"What else" I knew that I was distracting him as I nipped gently at the soft skin on the inside of his elbow. My other hand was dying to get in on the action as well as I leaned in a bit further, placing it upon his thigh.

"I…um…remember…" I couldn't stop the evil smile that invaded my face at the time as he seemed to lose all train of though completely while my hand found its way over his crotch. I just held it there, not moving a muscle as I waited to see what else I could do to torture him.

"Fucking tease" He cried out as he jumped out of his seat and literally jumped on top of me. His mouth was over mine in a flash as he took the hand that had been laying there and places it back upon the front of his trousers, creating a up and down friction that had him moaning in my mouth quite wantonly. "I'm glad that you got us a private plane" He huffed against my kiss swollen lips as he continued to use my hand to get him even more aroused. "Suck me off" His voice was demanding and full of lust and it sent shockwaves of pleasure to my own dick because my demanding, always sex starved Jared that I fucking lusted after and loved was back. "I wanna feel your mouth on my cock" His words went on as he dropped my hand, using his own to free his raging boner.

I wasted no time as I grabbed onto his hips, flipping him into the chair I had just exited before falling to the floor and practically inhaling him. His cries were fucking loud and his grip was ferocious as he grabbed onto my head and began to fuck my mouth for all that he was worth. I loved every fucking second of it because I had forgotten how sexual Jared could be and how no matter what when the mood hit he was getting what he wanted no matter what. I couldn't begrudge the man anything that he wanted, especially when it came to sex because I loved the taste of him, loved fucking him and truth me known I was just as demanding in that department as he was. He came not long after that, filling my throat with his tangy juices, before bestowing upon me the honor of mouth fucking me as well. Afterwards, I pulled him into my lap, just holding him, breathing in the scent of him, enjoying the alone time and the feel of him next to me. I was dying to make love to Jared at that very moment in time so badly that I couldn't breath, but despite our advances in all aspects of our relationship, we had yet to follow through with full out sex yet.

"What are you thinking about?" He asked as he laid his cheek upon my shoulder, breaking the quiet that surrounded us, the two of us sharing one air space as he snuggled in even closer.

"Nothing…" I lied rubbing my nose across the softness of his cheek, noticing for the first time the few fading scars that remained there from his accident.

"I want to you know. Please don't think that I don't want to" He spoke softly as he sat up staring into my eyes.

"I know…" I smiled up at him, amused that he knew what I was thinking without even saying a word as I knew what he was thinking as well.

"I feel like a fucking nervous virgin" He laughed shakily, his face reddening as he tried to duck his head and hide it. "I don't remember the actual fucking you know. I've tried and tried, but I can't remember what it's like…what it was like for us to be together like that" He continued to speak and I said not a word because despite the fact that I promised I would wait forever for him, we had done practically everything else up to the point and yet if the mention of sex came up he froze. "You've been so patient and I know that I owe you that part of me and…"

"Wait…" I cut him off as I pushed his chin up so he could get a clear look at me face. "You don't owe me anything" I announced quite clearly. "Jared I love you and I can't honestly say that I don't want to make love to you…because I do…but it's not the only thing that I think about"

"Liar…" He smacked my chest playfully, his blue eyes shimmering in the cabin light.

"Ok…it does fill up a good part of my day and evening" I chuckled, once again amazed at just how well he remembered me. "But despite that it doesn't mean that I don't understand. I know that you're scared and I know that it's not that you're scared of me…but the act itself" I spoke up over him as he tried to explain himself. "I can wait…I promise you that" I vowed, shifting him backwards so he could snuggle with me once again. "It's going to happen one day and when it does you will be the sex starved maniac that couldn't get enough of my glorious body" I teased, knowing the I had put him at ease as he smiled against my neck.

"It is a fucking glorious body" His breath was hot against my skin as he pressed a warm kiss to it as well. "I love you Colin…"

"I love you too baby" I concurred as the two of us relaxed, falling asleep almost instantly for the remainder of the flight.

Our first week in Ireland was a frantic blur as Jared was reacquainted with every one of my family members. I felt bad for the poor guy as Aunts and Uncles, Brothers and Sister and my doting mother were all over him the moment that they laid eyes upon him. He took it all like a trooper, falling down into our bed afterwards so completely exhausted that he was sound asleep before his head hit the pillow. I shared my time with them not so patiently the first week, but after that week was over I had no intentions of letting anyone lay eyes upon my lover but me.

We spent the entire following week all alone locked up in our home, with threat of death if anyone dared try and disturb us. It was a wondrous week where we spent every waking and non waking moment together and it proved to me once again just how close I had come to losing that man who meant everything to me. Quite quickly our week came to an end and his brother and the band were set to come in the following day. Jared still had no idea that they were coming and I spoke not a word of it as I planned and plotted how we were going to spend out last evening together. I had everything planned down to perfection in hopes of proving to Jared once and for all that I was in for the long haul as I called my brother and made arrangements to leave our love nest for a couple of hours as I continued with my preparations. I wasn't sure what Jared was doing while I was out, but I found out rather quickly that it was something that would hopefully be to my benefit as I entered the house hours later and found it swathed in candlelight.

"Jared…" I called out as I closed the door behind me, searching the dark room for my lover.

"In here…" I heard him speak as I followed his voice into the bedroom, my mouth going dry at what I found before me. "Hello sexy…" He smiled up at me as he lay stark raving naked on the bed, the remote to the TV in his hand. "Take off your clothes and join me won't you" His words were thick and laced with lust that went straight to my groin as I shed my outerwear without question, crawling onto the bed beside him.

"What's this all about" I grinned lustfully at him, my eyes drawing their way across the beautiful expanse of skin before me. "I've only been gone a few hours…miss me that much did you?" I leaned in to kiss him, only allowed a quick peck before he pulled away from me slightly.

"Well yes…I always miss you when you're not near me" He flirted, licking his lips in a way that was driving me utterly mad. "But…I found something today that I want you to see"

"What?" I asked confused as to why we were not kissing and pawing all over each other yet.

"Watch…" He directed my head in the direction of the TV as a long forgotten video played out before us.

"Are you ready for me?" I heard a familiar voice speak on the screen as the camera bobbed unsteadily upon the figure standing naked as the day he was born in the doorway of the room.

"I'm always bloody ready for you baby" My voice called out from behind the camera as it panned up and down Jared's beautiful body. "Now get over here so I can fuck you" I couldn't help but cringe, yet laugh as the Jared on the screen ran across the room and jumped wide open upon the bed. "Break the fucking camera and I won't be able to tape this"

"I don't care about the fucking camera…only the fucking" TV Jared teased, a close up of his face looming before us, before it disappeared only to show up again with my dick lodged within his mouth.

"Oh yeah baby…just like that" I cried out, the camera capturing every lick and suck that he placed upon it. "You're so fucking beautiful. I can never get over how fucking beautiful you are baby. I love it when you do that…fuck I just love you" The words got louder as his suction increased, but then the screen became ragged and uneven as if the camera was dropped, only to come into focus as our roles were reversed and it was me sucking him off and he held the camera.

"You love my dick don't you?" TV Jared asked my image as I nodded up at him, sucking his dick deeper into my mouth. "God that feels so good Colin. Don't stop…don't ever fucking stop" His cries were loud and again the camera began to shake as I increased my friction until he was crying out wantonly, coming all over my chin and neck as I released his penis from my mouth and began to milk him with my hand. "Fuck me now baby…don't make me wait anymore" He begged, zooming upon my face as I licked and cleaned up his mess as much as I could. "Do I taste good brown eyes?" He teased, the camera focusing on my eyes glazed over and full of love and lust for only him.

"Tastiest thing I have ever eaten in my life" I replied with a smile, taking the camera from him as I rushed across the room, the picture bouncing all over the place as I adjusted it on a tripod before rushing back to the bed. "Are you ready for me to fuck you now?" I growled, sprawled out across his body as I rubbed our dicks together in a frantic friction.

"Stop teasing me and fuck me already you asshole" I heard him scream and I did just that as I lifted his legs, positioned myself at his entrance and shoved myself forward. I fucked him long and hard and it was over before I knew it as we laid together afterwards, cuddling and affirming our love and devotion to each other.

"I found this today as I was looking for something to watch" He finally spoke up beside me, turning the TV off as he turned to face me.

"I remember it well" I spoke a bit unevenly because I wasn't sure exactly what was about to happen there, but I had my hopes. "It was my birthday and you had brought the video camera for me. I wanted to break it in that night and you suggested that we make a porno tape" I recalled the evening when the tape had been made with perfect clarity. "So what does this mean for tonight?" I asked with such hope in my voice that it made me blush, but the truth was that it had been far to long since I had made love to Jared and I was dying for it.

"It means that after seeing this video I want you to fuck me" He whispered against my ear, tugging on it with his teeth before moving his torturing ways down my neck. "No…better yet I want you to make love to me" He spoke more quietly as he pulled back just a bit in order to stare into my eyes.

"Yeah…" Was all I could manage to say in reply before closing my eyes as he pressed his lips softly against my own.

"Yeah…" He affirmed. "Just go slow ok?" I could hear the fear in his voice and for a moment I though that maybe we should wait a bit longer, but that thought disappeared as fast as it came as I captured his lips and began exploring his mouth like a fiend. My hands and entire body quickly begun to get in on the action as they rubbed and explored his body until he was moaning and crying out for more. I was more then willing to comply since I was fighting the urge to just throw his legs up over my shoulders and fuck him senseless. However, I didn't want to frighten him anymore then he was, so I curbed my animalistic urges for that moment and opted for another option.

"Roll over…" I grunted against his ear as I continued to hump him like some silly teenager. "Trust me" I soothed, kissing each eye lid as he stared up at me with large nervous eyes. He didn't say a word, but his body language said it all as he did my bidding, his body stiff and trembling. "I'm going to make this so good for you baby that you are going to be begging me to fuck you like an animal the next time" I growled, nipping at the tight cords standing out on the back of his neck. I knew what I had to do to make him relax and I knew that once I began he would remember how much he loved it and would be begging for more. I took my time as I licked and kissed every inch of his shoulders and back, eventually working my way downward. I noticed his body begin to relax almost immediately as I kissed and kneaded the soft flesh of his ass, only to stiffen up more so when I parted his cheeks and began to nibble on the tender skin inside.

"Colin...what are you…" He cried out, clenching his ass around my face in a vice like grip, but I quickly noticed that he never finished that sentence and that the next sound I heard was a full fledged moan of pleasure. "Oh Colin…" His moans continued as I went on with my playful torture, nibbling and biting at all areas within his crevice, except the puckered and swollen hole begging to be touched. "Please Colin…please" His cries got louder and I finally had to give in as I placed a tender bit upon it before delving in for a full taste. I could feel his entire body spasm as I went about my task and it only caused me to increase my procedures. He was practically clawing through the mattress and I knew that I had to pull back before our night of reacquainted love making would be over. I couldn't help but chuckle as I stopped what I had been doing, placing one tiny kiss upon his beautiful ass one last time before flipping him over as a sigh of disappointment fell over his parted lips.

"Don't worry baby…the night is far from over" I whispered as I licked and kissed my way across his heaving chest, paying particular attention to his reddened nipples. Once again cries and moans of pleasure wafted around me, only to increase in velocity as I moved my way southward as I placed my mouth upon his fully oozing dick. I was anything but playful as I continued to mouth fuck him until he was erupting in gallons down my more then eager throat. I knew that I smelled of semen and sex as I slithered up his body and I couldn't have been happier, nipping and licking as I did. I was hot and roaring for a fucking and all I kept thinking was that I hoped Jared would be ready because soft and playful were not what I had in mind. "Are you ready for me to fuck you?" I asked as I lay full bodied atop him, my breath ragged and heavy as it blasted across his face and neck.

"What are you waiting for?" He growled out, wrapping his legs around my waist as he began to hump me like some dog in heat.

"Keep doing that and it will be over before I even start" I stated evilly, pushing his legs forwards as I moved down and positioned myself before his entrance.

"Stop fucking teasing me and fuck me already Farrell" He cried out, sitting up on his elbows as he glared down at me with eyes so full of lust that I lost it right then and there. I didn't think about loosening him up or preparing him for the rod that was about to harpoon his almost virgin like bottom, as I slammed myself forward. He nearly came off of the bed as I thrust forward, filling him so full of me that I could barely stand the heated warmth the surrounded me. "Jesus Christ…" He cried out before gritting his teeth as my body fell into overdrive and increased the speed of my fucking. I felt bad for about a second but before I had a chance to think about it, his hands grabbed onto the headboard for support as he too got into the pistoning action, slamming his body downward to meet my own. It was a sight to see my sex hungry Jared lying bare and wonton before me and one I knew I would have to thank the heavens above for once our coupling was over. It actually ended quite quickly as I exploded deep within his eager bottom, he having a seconds orgasm as he shot all over his stomach. Afterwards I was too tired to stay upright as I fell forward, smearing his juices with our sweat between our two bodies. For long moments we just lay there, each breathless as we tried to come to terms with what had just finally happened between us. "Wow…" He said before he fell into a fit of giggles.

"What's so fucking funny?" I asked, unable to pull off being offended by the smile crossing my face.

"Tell me again why I waited so long to do that?" He giggled again.

"Fuck if I know…but you can best bet that we won't be waiting that fucking long again" I assured as I leaned in and kissed him hungrily upon those grinning lips. We never left the bed that night as we made love to each other not an hour later, Jared taking the lead as he crawled on top of me and rode me like a wild fucking stallion. Afterwards we fell asleep exhausted, happier and more in love with each other then we even thought was possible.

Jared and I stayed in Ireland for nearly a year after that, not willing or ready to go back to the states and deal with the price of fame and what it might do to our new fledging relationship. That entire time it was about us and the building of a love that would withstand the tests and trails of time, one that was larger and stronger then its original counterpart. It was during this time that I asked Jared to marry me as Shannon, Matt and Tomo looked on. It was an important time in our lives and I knew it would mean the world to Jared if the ones that he loved could be there to witness it. He accepted without question, already planning the wedding before even thought or discussion of setting a date. Sadly, he never fully regained his full memory back, but none of that mattered because he remembered the good parts, the important parts because he remembered everything about me and the love that he held for me and the love that we held for each other.

Eventually we moved back to California, moving back into the house I had bought for him years earlier. I had wanted to put my acting career of hold permanently, but he wouldn't allow it as he practically forced me to call my agent back once we returned. I won't like and say that I didn't receive any flack due to my outed status and that at the beginning the big and juicy riles never came my way, but I stood strong and before long I became the Colin Farrell from before and one of the most sought after actors of our time. As for Jared's acting career, sadly it was one of those memories that he never recovered fully. He could remember bits and pieces of sets and scripts, but nothing more and sadly for the acting world he found that he didn't want to pursue it and left it altogether. One a positive note he had recovered most of his love of music and two years after his accident he and their band had their first reunion concert of sorts and he was brilliant. It was an amazing night as Jared once again stood upon a stage, his beloved guitar wrapped securely around his body as he played and sang his heart out to the sold out crowd. I cried like a baby as Eamon held me, tears bleeding from his eyes as he watched the firecracker that was Jared and his passion for his music sing, scream and dance in his own little musical world.

It's been nearly ten years since the fateful day that I nearly lost the only man put on this earth for me. For the most part our lives since then have been absolutely brilliant, with a few pit falls along the way, but that is what life is all about. I thank a higher power daily for bringing him back to me and for giving us the strength to deal with everything that life and love has laid out for us. I love this man. I him with my entire body and soul and will until the day that I die. It is my life's goal to make sure that he never hurts or wants for nothing because he is my heart, my soul, the very reason that I live and I breathe and he will be for always.

The End…


End file.
